Totally depressed

I worked last night - picked up the shift - and of course only one chick made good money. Why does this chick get to do whatever she wants? she's an asshole and she always makes the most money - fuck - I wouldn't even care except that I have a fucked up eye and I need to go to the doctor. I am so not okay. I am over it. It's done - I'm done. I am exhausted,old and I can't get it back. I can't get my drive back for comedy and acting. I am so filled with hate and misery right now. I must not be in the right place - doing the right thing. I can't even get out of bed. I'm so tired. I am going back to that holistic doctor tomorrow and I'm just going to have to wait till then to deal with my eye. I have a feeling that it isn't good. Really? I have had a bad eye for months now. It started in the summer time. I'm so depressed and I hate my life. I hate my job, I hate living here - it's fucking ridiculous - it's total doucheness all the time. I'm upset - I'm not saying nice things. Why should I? People are assholes and they get what they want. This chick has been making all the money for months and she's traveling for all of December and then not coming back because she's moving to LA. Oh that's nice - so I can't afford to GO TO THE DOCTOR but she can travel all over the place. I have no health insurance (my fault), I'm a waitress (my fault), live in a crazy house (my fault), divorced - ugh I am very upset. I just don't see the point. I have therapy today and honestly it's too much work. I can't take it. I'm done. It's all too much. My manager was over and hour late yesterday. Then she sat there and ate lasagna. She made more money than me last night and she just bought a new car. I fucking hate her. How do you not show up to a job on time where you don't have to DO ANYTHING? It's SO FUCKING RUDE. And my other manager asked me to do something for the Christmas party but has yet to send us what it is he wants us to do. It's over. I'm going to be 40 in July and who the fuck am I kidding? It's not going to change. I'm not going to get inspired - nothing is going to change - I'm never going to be an actress and my dreams have died. I need to move somewhere warm. I need health insurance and to either go back to school or get a real job. It's over, it's done. Forget it. I wish I could be happy somehow but I don't see that in my near future or even in my future. Forget it.