Blood.

More blood today (from my vagina) but went to doctor.  She said she thinks I ovulated and that my period MIGHT BE COMING BACK.  Okay so what's worse than suddenly going into menopause early because of chemo and having SO MANY side effects from it and finally starting to feel better? 

Getting your fucking period again.

 Okay let's breathe.  Let's take a breath because we don't really know - I have to go get an ultrasound but she didn't seem to think anything looked or felt crazy as far as she could tell but also - I need to have an ultrasound.  But also are you ready for this?  She said if I did ovulate I need to be very careful because I COULD GET PREGNANT.  I said "Holy fuck."  She said since it was a forced menopause my body might very well be bouncing back.  Which is great and also super upsetting because I am confused and scared of hormones.  She wanted to do bloodwork but I said no - I just really didn't want to do that today.  I have had so much poking, prodding, needles - tests - I don't know.  I wasn't prepared for that and she said it didn't matter anyway.  But it's still so scary.  Blood.  Ah - life.  Always a challenge.  I think - I mean I feel like I am okay.  When I got cancer I didn't feel well - I knew something was up - I had been dragging myself around for years. 

You know what?  I'm not doing this.  I'm going to be okay - that's it.  I have been taking such amazing, loving care of myself and I will continue to do that.  I love my body.  I love myself.  I will figure out the healthiest way to maneuver through this and it will be great.  Thank the good dear Lord I am in all these programs - haha - I just laughed when I wrote that.  I mean but really - I need all the fucking help I can get.  But also it's okay.  I got this.  This time I got this - we got this.  Me and my beautiful body & spirit - we got this.  My soul home - we got this.  I think they can actually figure out with the ultrasound how many eggs are up there?  Or if any eggs are up there?  So who knows - maybe this was just one last left-over egg that made a go for it.  Jesus.  Okay gotta go work on my other stuff I'm working on.  Another life chapter.  I have decide also that I am not doing comedy anymore.  I know it isn't really happening anyway but after meeting that hooker (who does standup) and then taking that road trip to Atlantic City where the hotel room was SO GROSS & now all of this?  I just don't think I am meant to do it.  I really don't.  I loved it and I learned so much, it's crazy.  But I am OVER IT.  I mean that though with a lighter tone - I'm over it!  It's not for me.  The wind is blowing in a different direction for this person right here.  Here's why....

Because you never jump out of the same hole twice.  It's done.  What I needed to learn from comedy I learned.  I was probably supposed to finishing learning it 15 years ago - or maybe 12 years ago?  I don't know.  But because I started and stopped and had to start all over again I had to relearn all of it and the relearn that I am not meant to BE A COMIC.  OKAY.  Okay.  Okaaaaaaaay.  It's okay.  Haha - what the fuck?  22 years later?  Well okay what are you going to do?  That's what happened!  But now I know it in my heart and I am setting myself free.  I mean okay but how RIDICULOUS is that?  "I am setting myself free from a career in something I was never really successful at - but here I go - out into the wild wild world!"  Wow - I'm so brave.  But that hole has been jumped out of and it is time to move the fuck on.

HA.  Bye.