Practicing.

I'm practicing all the recovery tools. In both programs. Also remembering I need a third one. But before I can do that one I need to get my shit together a little bit with this daily schedule I have given myself, part of which involves WRITING. I am not feeling well. I don't know what is happening - I had some bleeding and that's not good when you are in menopause. So I have an appointment with the doctor - which was so very hard to get because of everythig going on. The girl said that the appointments are like "the hot new video game." Ha! So okay good I have an appointment but I am terrified. I am so scared they are going to want to do more surgery and I just can't fucking handle it. I am also just so hormonal and crying. Very much about not having children or a baby. Ugh we don't even have a dog. But I am not crying in my soul it's just a very physical thing - my body wants a baby or something. I have no idea - I guess that's why it's upsetting - I'm not really sure what's going on. Regardless I am taking very good care of myself and at some point things will shift. The worst part is the negative thinking. That and the arguing with people in my head who aren't here and who are not (probably) even thinking about me the way I think they might be. I have moved away from so many things and I feel guilty. Meanwhile - I don't really think anyone cares very much. But whether they do or don't - that's their stuff. I haven't gotten what I have needed in many ways in all of these situations and most of them made me feel badly - even if it took me awhile to realize it. So then it's very good that I finally took myself out of these situations. It's like I want a fucking parade. "You're moving on!? YAY. We don't like it but we are going to throw you a huge party and carry you around on a pillow!" I just realized something. Is this just all of huge distraction because I don't want to write more? Is this the kind of thing where you finally decide to jog on Monday and then Monday comes and you're like "I CAN'T - I HAVE TO PUT THE TRASH OUT AND I'M SO UPSET I SPILLED THE COFFEE GROUNDS SO I WILL HAVE TO TRY AGAIN NEXT YEAR." Then you cry about a panda video, soemthing from your childhood, eat a grilled cheese and feel better. Then you tell yourself it's not healthy to jog anyway. IS THAT WHAT IS HAPPENEING TO ME RIGHT NOW. I fucking LOVE to write I don't get it. Well okay - this felt productive but also not so much. But also yes. But also no. But also no. What? BUT ALSO YAAASSSSSSSSSS. Bye.