I just got home and it's 11:11 pm. I drove into the city and did my show and drove back. I'm not writing what I want to write why? I don't know why? This is what I want to say....I am being attacked by alcoholism and grief. The combination is making me think and say horrible things about me to myself. It's so crazy. They aren't true things. At least I don't think they are. I don't know - my perspective is OFF. Off-kilter. Not okay. Christ. This is why I wish I could go to a meeting every day. Although I spent almost every day at a meeting for years and I was still a fucking psychopath. Now I have just learned that I am probably being attacked by alcoholism and that I don't have to believe horrible things I am saying to myself about myself. I wish the voices were separate. It all seems like the same voice in my head - my voice. That one time I had the brain click I could really feel a difference - that the thought was coming from a separate place and it wasn't really. I could FEEL it. But right now the voice just feels like my voice and it's saying - you know what I wrote it and then I deleted it because I just don't want to have it in writing. I am so fucking lonely. I feel alone and people aren't going to help with that. Coffee is going to help with that. Haha. They haven't sent me on any auditions lately and I am so happy. I am over trying to get into commercials. I GIVE UP - it's not for me. Anyway maybe they give up too - that would be great. Yeah so I am lonely but I don't want to be around people. I don't know I feel disappointed by people. This is not a good time for me to be thinking about people either. If the alcoholism is telling me awful things about myself then I am guessing whatever it is telling me about other people is probably wrong also. Incorrect? Untrue? Untoward? I love that word - untoward. That's a sexy word - untoward. Is that the alcoholism too? I don't think I actually know what that word means. I think it must mean anal....no probably not. Hmmmmmm - what rhymes with untoward? Forward. BORING. TIME FOR A POEM:
I went for a walk around the lake
I walked and I walked till I saw a big cake
What's that I said with surprise and glee!
It's a cake on a lake and it's just for me!
As I got closer and closer my mind went all crazy
It wasn't a cake, it was - A LADY!
She was wearing frosting and shaped quite round
It was a fat lady frosted by the lake I had found!
Now what in the world was I to do
On my walk around the lake with nothing to prove...
I decided indeed I wasn't involved, with the lady cake lady
Indeed - not at all.
So on round the lake I walked and I walked.....
Till the sun rose above me at 5:30 o'clock......