and when I'm bad I'm HORRIBLE

Why does there have to be a stupid title for these posts?  It's fucking enraging sometimes and feels totally inauthentic a lot of the time.  I woke up on the wrong side of the mother-fucking bed.  I had such a good day yesterday - I have no idea what happened.  I cried while I was meditating and just kept thinking about this friend who said I was a shitty friend and made me feel awful.  It was AWFUL.  Meaning me thinking about it.  It was just my alcoholism ravaging my brain.  It was also awful when she said I was a shitty friend.  But I have no idea - I mean when my brain is like that I can't know what the truth is.  I am just mired in alcoholic thinking - it's insanity.  It's just the past or the future and it's all negative.  I think part of the problem is that right now I am having these waves of trauma, drama, terror, and something else.  What else?  Well good things.  Seeing how loving and kind people can be - feeling taken care of - realizing this is some sort of opportunity even though it did NOT feel like it today.  I just wake up miserable sometimes anyway, let alone when I have breast cancer and have to have chemo.  It's the alcoholism.  We wake up with a fresh case of it everyday.  Isn't that fucking insane?  Then we have to take care of it.  Prayer, meditation, meetings, phone calls are you TIRED YET?  I have to say if I could do that for my cancer I would in a fucking second.  Well so today I was horrible.  I sat on my phone for a while, stayed grumpy, meditated again - had an idea for a show, cried some more, spoke to a friend, cried some more, ate some yummy food, got myself ready, did some of the breast surgery exercises and then walked for an hour.  Now I finally feel a little better and I am speaking at a meeting tonight.  Ugh it's exhausting.  I just need to keep my hand in God's hand.  It's so hard.  I cut myself off from my higher power all the time.  Can I stay plugged in.  CAN SHE STAY PLUGGED IN???  Why the fuck did that first doctor tell me even if I had some cancer it didn't mean I had cancer?  Whatever he didn't know then what took basically 2 months for them to figure out.  I'm in reality about my situation now.  I just need to get this shit off my chest that's all.  It's fucking sucks.  I am going to fight the good fight, take care of myself the best I can, ask for help and turn as much as I can to God.  but it fucking sucks okay?  It fucking sucks.  Alright anyway I'm going to eat a salad.  And a dick.  No just a salad.  MAYBE A DICK.  If I want to.  Oaky bye.