Farming My Bagina

I have been here since last Wednesday.....on the farm....helping my mother who drinks too much but is so sweet.  She's a writer too.  I mean if I can call myself a writer.  I do call myself that but I don't know if I say it to other people.  I have it on my business cards.  HA.  I mean I write - right??  Anyway my Mom is also a writer and was always clacking away on this old ass typewriter we had.  Tonight she told me she only had 2 storied published - one in the Navy Times about a chameleon they had before I think I was born and one in our town paper here about when I left my bionator at the beach during an afterschool Oceanology class.  I fucking loved Oceanology.  Oceanography?  Holy fuck I don't know what it was called but we went to the ocean and looked at stuff.  We would also collect specimens and bring them back to the lab and look at them under the microscopes and I LOVED it.  We would put on long rubber boots and go out into the marshes...loved it.  So one time we went and I was so distracted by the guys flirting with me - I was in 7th or 8th grade and I was the only girl in Oceanlogy or whatever the fuck it was called and so the boys loved me.  Anyway I had this Gloria Vanderbilt little pink purse with a super long strap that I kept my bionator in and I left it on one of the dunes of the town beach we were at that day.  Well when I got home that night I realized I left my bionator at the beach and my mother FREAKED out - of course because it was like $400 and back in the 80's that was super fucking expensive.  So the next day before school we took our dog and went to the beach and went to the dune and there was my little pink purse with the bionator.  My mother was SO SHOCKED we found it that she wrote a story about it and it got published in the paper.  I WAS FUCKING MORTIFIED about it - of course. 

I just spent a good 20 minutes trying to find that purse to confirm it was Gloria Vanderbilt...They came in all different colors and I guess it could have been Jordache but I don't know.  I'm so tired now.  I had to go to Urgent Care yesterday because I thought I had a UTI but it turned out to be a problem with my Bagina.  The doctor who told me her name was Marcella so it occurred to me 4 hours later that she was NOT acutally a doctor told me it was from my instant menopause and hormone shift that I was having a problem.  She searched around in there for awhile, took a sample and said he would call me in a few days.  She said "Your pee is perfect so now we gonna talk about you Bagina."  Oh my God it was so funny!  She was laughing too!  I kept saying Bagina everytime she said it!  I'm so tired - I have to come back and fix this but here you go.  Byeeeeeee.