THE MUSICAL! Haha nooooooo. That's another AA thing - saying - it's in the Big Book - I think? I don't know - I am reading this book called "You Can't Make Me Angry" and it's by an elderly doctor in his 80's who had been sober and in Alanon for a long, long time. In the book he mentions that quote several times and honestly - THATS ALL I DO. I fight everyone and everything all the time - and mostly myself in my own fucking head! Okay but I get it. Whats endlessly confusing to me is that my therapist - my wonderful, beautiful therapist who I have been working with for almost 19 mother-fucking years - always says "What's wrong with being angry? People are awful! People are enraging!" But she's not an alcoholic so....so yeah. Well my fighting comes from the resentment part. I re-think things (the past) over & over again - trying to understand it and figure it out. I can assure you that I have never gotten anywhere doing this. Never feels better and it also never changes. The past never changes. One more time. THE PAST NEVER CHANGES - it always stays the same. So then you might be asking yourself - why does she keep looking at it? Juuuust picking at a scab or a scar even! Also maybe that's just some ingrained, weird thing that addicts do - I don't know. Regardless - I don't have to do it anymore. He suggests in the book that we give it to God. That's it! Easy peasy. Give it to God. I have been obsessing for months about this one relationship that unraveled and I just can't get anywhere about it. Her fault? My fault? Life's fault? Doesn't matter - it unraveled and it's not healthy for me anymore - I don't know about her. Well I know on one level it doesn't work for her because she told me to back off - soooooo - yeah. But it's painful and I love her and miss her. Wait - do I? Now I am confused OMG I AM DOING IT!!
Gave it to God. Nothing to figure out. Take care of myself. That's it! The asset is self-care. The opposite of this self-destructive thought pattern is taking care of myself. Which I am doing. God this is such a terrifying time isn't it? I mean when is it going to shift? All the people that are dying? Losing jobs? Agh - it's awful and it's so sad. I am tired. I have been cooking, cleaning and working on myself like crazy. But not in a frenzy - just at a good, strong, steady pace. I don't have to fight myself. I can be on my side! I can also just accept - accept that I just can't be super close to all the people forever. I can love from afar though! That is taking care of myself. I can accept, forgive, move away and love from afar. HE wrote the acceptance prayer this doctor. Well I don't think when he wrote it he meant it to be a prayer but it is one I have used many times and one that people say in the program. It's in his story in the Big Book - here's how it goes - it's wonderful and it made me cry when I got to it in his story the first time I read it...
Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it's meant to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as in what needs to be change in me and my attitudes.
So that's the thing about us alcoholics - we have no clue how to live life! Normal people probably see that prayer and think "Yeah - duh - accept and move on." Alcoholics are like "WHAT? ACCEPTANCE IS A THING?? FOCUS ON MY OWN SHITTY ATTITUDES?? WHAT? OKAY GREAT IDEA!!!" Then 2 days later we forget and have to be reminded 5000 times to practice acceptance. Anyway. I made these cookies yesterday - sugar-free with all healthy stuff in them and when I tell you they were fucking disgusting I mean good fucking LORD. Baaaaaaaarf. I mean at best they tasted like a dinner roll of some sort? Like a weird dinner roll that comes in a bread basket and you're like that's weird - what is that? Hmmmm. And you spread butter all over it and you're like okay yeah not bad. They were like that only worse. Hahaha! Ew!
Bye Bluebie!
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