Realization!

I had the most INSANE realization and honestly it is embarrassing to even write about it but I am going to because that is what I do - keep an online running written account of the mortifying things, feelings, thoughts and emotions I have & do.  What?  I don't care.  ANYWAY.  I was faced with something the last couple of days and that is - me.  Me and my reactions and what I think I KNOW about people.  So what I have learned is that unless someone flat out tells me something I don't really know what they are thinking or how they are reacting and most of the time whatever they are doing has nothing to do with me.  That's not the realization.  That's just something I constantly have to remind myself because for some reason I just can't seem to remember it.  Here's the realization...I had this friend and she moved awhile ago and now she lives on the West Coast.  We grew apart because I pulled away - I did the slow fade and in essence that part was okay because I wasn't being kind by being in a relationship that I was ALWAYS angry in.  It's not nice to be in a friendship when you are angry to be there.  UGH.  SO.  So this am while I was meditating I realized how hurtful that must have been.  I didn't have the tools then or the SKILL I should say - to have a conversation about why I was pulling away.  I don't even know if I should have had the conversation but well - now I just - I don't know - I just realized that must have been hurtful and I feel badly.  I honestly think she was doing her best.  If I didn't like her best and the relationship wasn't working for me - that's okay!  But I don't know.  I kind of justified my own poor behavior by what seemed like poor behavior on her part.  And that's not okay.  For me.  So anyway today - so yesterday someone asked me to do something that I don't want to do and instead of doing what I have done for years - which is to get completely offended and then be passive aggressive - I just did this....

I sat with my feelings (ew).

I thought about whether or not I really thought this person was being unkind (more ew).

I simplified the whole thing down to - this is something I can't do anyway - truly.

Then today I called her back and simply said I am not the person for this and thank you for asking.

Then she nicely said - "okay!  Thanks for letting me know."

THATS FUCKING IT.

18 years of therapy and 10 years of recovery and I can finally, if I try really hard, say "no thank you" to someone politely. 

BYEEEeeeeeeeeee