2 things are happening - 1. I am taking care of myself, exercising & cooking tons of healthy food. 2. Losing my fucking mind. My mind wants to kill me! I am just having all these memories - painful, uncomfortable, excruciating memories come up and these tidal waves of sadness - and so much GUILT, shame & humiliation. You would think that I used to take shits on puppies faces - or whatever it is puppies have? I mean - okay anyway the good news is that for once in my life - even though I am just so being faced head-on with my mental illness (alcoholism etc) I also know that I have had so many people who I love & trust assure me that these thoughts and feelings are not true. Remember the vegan I used to live with? Who ate all my food and would jerk off like a fiend at night who I used to live with a looong time ago? Well - he used to say the craziest thing......
HE USED TO SAY THERE WASN'T ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME.
I know I have probably written about this before - I don't know - maybe not but I am compelled to write about it again because of the book I am reading "Dying To Be Me." She has a near death experience and well - fuck have I written about this!? I don't have enough time to go back & look and I need to make this soup or my pears are going to go bad - ANYWAY. She has stage !V cancer and she's totally fucked and dying right? In the hospital and in a coma and has a near death experience and realizes that the other side is love, pure love and a lot of wonderful things and that she has a choice on this side and she could live or die - her choice, and either way everything is fine. Okay so I can't even describe it the way she does but it is utterly believable and fascinating and then she decides to live and come back here and she does and her cancer is healed in like 6 weeks. I mean she was RIDDLED with it. Okay so then she realizes it was all fear - she was so afraid and it expressed as cancer. Anyway but really she says we are all put here to just express who WE are. Just us - our one selves and that if we take care of ourselves - we take care of the world. Anyway so when I meditated today I really thought how we are all from that same source and at our very essence we are all okay - you know? So in a way the lazy vegan was right - there isn't anything wrong with me - at my core.
HOWEVER.....I crossed that invisible line into alcoholism and drug addiction and I am a mother-fucking pickle and there's no coming back from that. However inside my pickle core is pure awareness, light and choice...and even though I can never safely drink or drug again - I can be okay and happy...but I do need help for that. So the lazy vegan was right - in a way. Anyway fuck him right? JUST KIDDING. I think? Hahaha - the fact that I am still resentful that this guy ate my jar of peanut butter is proof enough that I need A LOT of help still. JESUS. Okay time to make that soup - love you Bluebie!
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