Ringing.

My Ear(s) have been ringing for months.  It's driving me fucking crazy.  I think maybe it's some side-effect from the chemo?  I don't know.  My eye twitched for 4 years so I hope this isn't like that.  God - okay well I am doing some things for it but I just wish it would stop.  It's so so uncomfortable.  When I was in chemo I had an ear infection and it's the same ear.  I don't know.  Anyway it seems like maybe things are taking a turn with the virus - hopefully.  April is cancelled completely so there is still lots of down time but hopefully there is a shift towards health for the world.  God I just got such Deja vu when I wrote that.  So strange.  I haven't been writing very much or really at all....it's raining today so I got back in bed and wrote in my journal.  I felt a lot better.  I also picked up this computer so I could write on here....ugh.  Writing on here is more uncomfortable but well it's still part of my writing workout so I am doing it.  I have been cleaning out things everyday - the kitchen, my office, the bathroom - drawers, shelves, closets.  I pride myself as being someone who "doesn't have a lot of stuff" but for someone who doesn't have a lot of stuff - I HAVE A LOT OF STUFF.  Holy shit!  I mean we have this one drawer in the kitchen that you could barely open and I don't even know what the fuck I was doing with most of the stuff in there.  I suppose it's just a time thing - meaning it takes time to organize things and decide what to keep and not keep and all of it - ALL OF IT - is emotional.  Maybe not for you but for me?  And every single person on the show Hoarders?  It's emotional.  First time I saw that show I was like "I GET IT."  Because I do.  I have some sort of super intense, visceral reaction to cleaning out almost anything and getting rid of even the tiniest thing.  I held in my hands a small pile of menus that we NEVER EVER USE - I mean never and I had to really think whether or not to get rid of them.  I even asked the guy who didn't even know WE HAD THEM.  And to be clear - we recycle so it's not even adding to the garbage pile that's rotting the earth.  Yeah.  Memories come with things and with memories are feelings and feelings are hard to feel and that's why a hoarder buys ANOTHER HOUSE to put their garbage in rather than sit through the feelings.  And I guess that's why I'm not writing.  Feelings.  I am cleaning all this stuff out and going through the feelings and I don't want to go through more by writing.  WEIRD.  Only oddly enough this is what gets the feelings out for me - or at least part of what gets the feelings out for me.  Huh.  So odd.  Okay I am going to eat some cereal and go to therapy.  Love you Bluebie bye.