Dying To Be Me

And also to take a poop.  Those are the 2 things I am dying to do right now - be me, and take a poop.  Honestly that really just sums up my life completely.  GOD - people are dying and it's so fucked.  It's so fucked!!  I am freaking out and getting really, really - scared.  I am trying so hard not to - it's not good for me or my immune system and it's not helpful - to anyone.  I can just feel it pressing in.  It's got to happen though that's the thing - it's a virus and it has to peak.  I am not breathing and I know everyone is scared.  I am also starting to hyper focus on the smallest things about myself or even things I haven't struggled with for a long time.  I guess they were still there and I had other things to focus on.  But also - I am just so terrified because I went through treatment and I am still fucking healing form the chemo - I know I am.  My brain is still fucked up from it and - Jesus - I don't need to go into my symptoms and side-effects I just know that I am still detoxing.  I am scared but in a weird way.  In a weird I am shutting down kind of way.  My guy is being so kind and patient with me and I am also driving him nuts - I know I am.  Anyway I am still reading the book and I don't know why - maybe because I am now starting to hear about people's family members and close friends dying so it seems so much more real but for some reason I am really starting to struggle with what she says in the book - "if I save myself I save the world."  I just feel so selfish and I don't know - maybe right now today I am just really having trouble helping myself.  But also really & truly - what do I think I should or could be doing?  I am not a nurse and have no training in that area.  I have zero skills as far as what the world needs for workers - really and truly.  The best thing I can do is stay home and try not to spread the disease if I am some sort of carrier.  Ugh okay I just took a break and watched Jimmy Fallon for a minute and that helped.  So yeah I don't fucking know - of course I feel scared and weird - everyone does.  It's not a secret and I didn't do something wrong.  Can you imagine if I just ran into a hospital right now and was like "IM SORRY I FEEL SO SAD AND TERRIBLE ABOUT WHATS HAPPENING THIS IS ALL SO TRAUMATIZING AND I AM SHUTTING DOWN EMOTIONALLY."  Okaaaay yeah not helpful.  There is something for me to do and that's be kind.  Starting with being kind to myself.  Love oyu Bluebie.