So I woke up today not feeling great and I am upset about some of my relationships and how they have always been what they are. This is not rational and I am not sure why I am thinking about them at all - maybe a distraction? I'm sure it's that but I am in this program that tells me to look at my part. We (alcoholics) always have to look at our part because we think the world is happening TO us instead of just happening. Also there is a thing called the "spiritual axiom" which says anytime we are upset it has something to do with us. So - so I am sitting here ALL morning - okay wait not sitting - I got outside and exercised and I did my prayer & meditation - BUT - during all of it thinking about this one friend...and how they have half shown up for me - sometimes not - sometimes yes. Was very sweet during cancer - which I was surprised about because this person can really be - not nice. Not just to me - but everyone. Which is part of what I have been realizing lately. If the person is doing it to me - they are probably doing it to everyone. But anyway this is what I really, really realized - ugh and this is so uncomfortable to write. My part...
Is that - that is exactly what I wanted. I wanted someone who was half showing up. Because that's what I was doing. And instead of looking at myself and seeing why this was okay with me - I was able to blame them for sucking. I wasn't ready to look at myself or get up - from a place of POWER & LOVE and say - "Oh - oh I see - this how YOU are - this is YOUR behavior and YOUR character and it doesn't have anything to do with me. I however am not okay with it and I am going to take care of MYSELF and get up and go somewhere else." Because it is so very, very very uncomfortable to see I am not a victim. This person isn't even a BAD PERSON. They are just a person who was playing the exact role I put them in so that I could stay where I was.
Because it is painful to grow. It fucking hurts! But I can't go back now. I am trudging this road to happy destiny so I need to LOOK AT MY PART. Even though I DONT WANT TO.
But I do. And I will. And I am. And it hurts but life hurts. Which pain do I want? Pain of dying from alcoholism - whether I am drinking or not? Or the pain of growth? I guess today I chose growth. Let this poor friend free from the unhealthy pattern that I only knew about anyway. HA. This person is just doing their thing anyway. I just popped in and out having yet another weird one-sided relationship with them. Not always but a lot! I wanted and needed something and that is such an unkind way to have a relationship. Maybe that part is being hard on myself. And anyway I love this person. So once again - at least I don't tell people to go fuck themselves and Jesus! This suuuuucks. Growing up suuuuucks. Except for the part where I am free. Happy (getting joyous) and free. At least I have a chance this way. And so does the friendship with this person. So I can let go of the unhealthy thing and see what grows in its place.
What a weird thing to realize. That on some level it was exactly what I wanted. Well good news! I don't anymore! I need nourishment now and A LOT of it. In everyway.
Byeeeee.
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