What would that be exactly? Helping oneself? Being proactive? I don't even know. All I know is I have bottomed out once again on my learned helplessness and I need to UNlearn that shit now for real. My sponsor says well - no she doesn't say this. I say this is a character defect of mine. Feeling helpless and stuck and feeling like a victim of other people's stuff (energy, feelings, addictions, alcoholism, negativity - whatever).
She says - that the only true way to get rid of a character defect is to beef up the asset part of the defect. So my victim defect, my martyrdom defect, my feeling stuck and at the mercy of others has an asset. What is it? Okay let me think......
I don't know. I must know! I care about others? I see and feel others. I have a lot of energy it's just turned in the wrong direction. Well I guess I have a lot of strength and passion? I certainly have a lot of FEELINGS. So I suppose the asset is that I am willing to do a lot - I am just doing the wrong things. Especially because no one asked me to be a martyr to them. If I have the strength to stop myself and ALL of my energy around people that make me feel like this - then I should be able to use all that same energy to detach. Say what I need if I need to or just - detach. MOVE on. Move. Just go somewhere else. Good God - if I felt like figuring out the guy thing was impossible this feels even more so. But it's okay.
Just TURN that Ocean Liner around! Slooooooowly. I never ever thought I could make it through all that chemo. It seemed fucking endless. So I suppose this feels similar minus the intense nausea, fatigue and fear. Although this does feel toxic so that's scary. For my body.
You know what else my sponsor said? She asked if I really want peace in my life - but she really asked. Then she said I must since I pray and meditate. But she said it like SHE REALLY WASNT SURE. Ha. Okay gotta go.
Byyyeeeee!
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