Let's Go!

My sponsor said to me that she had to - at a certain point - have sober thinking.  Jesus!  I have written about this SO MANY TIMES.  It feels even harder to do then stopping drinking and drugging.  To take control of my mind is the fucking MOST DIFFICULT thing to do.  Or at least it feels like it.  Some days are harder than others and today is a difficult day for it, for some reason.

I am all brain fogged and confused.  Part of it is the humidity which is hanging TIGHT and won't let go.  I can relate humidity!  I can relate.  Anyway it's that and who the fuck knows what else but I am very clumsy today and can't put my thoughts in a row.  Also negative.  I feel spacey & like - well oddly enough I feel like I am high.  Sort of high?  I am not high just to be perfectly clear!  Anyway I am doing all the things to take care of myself and at some point today my mind will clear.  I just keep taking it moment by moment.....when I start having an argument with someone in my head who isn't here I just say to myself "No no!  We don't have conversations with people who aren't here!"  Or if I start to remember something that happened 5 years ago or 10 years ago or last week that upset me I say "No no!  That's not helpful!  You don't have to think about that!  Breathe!  Be here now!"  It's like I am completely reconditioning this mind and IT'S SO MUCH FUN.  It's really fucking uncomfortable.

I am also waiting.  Waiting and waiting and waiting.  Waiting for that conversation so I can move on in a healthy way.  Waiting for the right moment to do that thing......Waiting to eat dinner till dinner time.  Waiting, waiting waiting.  Breathing, breathing breathing.  It's tedious.  It's the foot exercises part of dancing.  Tedious, a little boring and seemingly pointless.  But it's not pointless - it's technique.  It's the technique and the skill of being a real dancer.  But wow wow wow - the patience that is required to really gain skill is enormous.  Now I am trying to create a different life and the only way (as far as I can tell) that's really going to happen is if I create that different life with not only a different mindset but also with different tools.  It's the technique of living.  Wait what?  Does that make sense?  Yes.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  I can't just ACT differently - I also have to THINK differently and have a better attitude.  Agghhhhhh.  Shit fuck piss mother.  So uncomfortable.  I want to live!  I want the pain of life and a life lived well.  I will get on the other side of this - maybe - hopefully and it will be worth it.

I'm going to say cancer treatment was more uncomfortable than this so I can do THIS.  At least for today I can do this.  And that's all I have to do it for - today.

Bye!