It's dinner time but I am having coffee. I have been so sleepy all day so I just went for more coffee. I had a second cup earlier but I think it wasn't very strong. Anyway - I am having coffee at 6:30 at night but believe it or not it feels like a good choice. What's up!? Hmmmmm - I will go first....
I am in between things. Everything. I have changed so many things in my life by stopping doing so many things. So I don't have other things to go to - I just stopped doing the things that weren't healthy or working for me anymore and wow - is that - uncomfortable. But - that's what's going on. In other news I realized that I have lacked emotional sobriety all this time which is - HILARIOUS. I mean ha! Seriously! Who the fuck knew? I guess anyone who really got to know me. I mean I wasn't behaving as badly or ridiculously as I did when I was drinking but I definitely - well - it's all been inside me. I was only hurting myself.
I went outside this am to exercise and I was really able to see how the negative thoughts poison me. The eating the muffin in my car "at" someone else poisons me. I had no idea. I have heard other people - many, many people say it over the years in meetings but I never really understood what they meant. They would say "I am taking the poison trying to hurt someone else" and yes I GET it but I didn't really get it because muffins are DELICIOUS and they make you feel AMAZING even if it's only for 30 seconds until you (I) feel sick. Ugh. And the mental part I just didn't get at all. It's my head - who cares if I am in a rage. But my body cares! My poor little body doesn't know that it isn't really happening - it FEELS like it's happening so it is. All those hormones and fight or flight stuff happening. The adrenaline! God. So much stress on my being. Plus it's exhausting. So anyway that's where I am at and the only thing that has really truly been helping? Since it's so hard to control these thoughts? They just COME AT ME - all day long. The thing that has finally helped?
Turning it over to God. My higher power. Today - all day - I put things in God's hands. I said here you go God - please take it - I can't hold onto it or be responsible for it. My sponsor has often said to me that my shoulders can't carry things for other people. This was one of the few times that made sense to me. When I finally asked God to take these thoughts and concerns and I put them in his hands - I felt relief. Mind you - again - I have had to do it all day long with all sorts of things because my brain and my alcoholic mind wants to destroy me for some reason. It is a miracle I have ever gotten anything done. Seriously! How in the WORLD did I manage to do anything with this FIGHT going on in my own head - a lot of the time? Well I don't know - I had relief sometimes. Distractions - work, books, shows - class. It all helped get me out of my head and out of my own way enough for stuff to come through me sometimes.
Okay I have some other work to do - love you Bluebie bye.
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