Friday, October 21, 2011

Barf.

I had the craziest dream this morning. Okay a woman just came in and asked me if I wanted a job. Um - what? She just walked in and said - oh you don't have to leave her but do you want more work? I've never seen her in my life. She said from her home - health and wellness. Uh - I - whatever. This was another chase, kidnapping, guns blazing dream. My ex-boyfriend was in it and then at the end someone got their hand shot off in the backseat of the getaway car. They were flapping it all over the place - blood sprayed every where - all over the windows. He was flapping his blown-up hand all over the place. When we got to the hospital I realized it was a little boy but he was okay and didn't mind his missing hand. It was such an awful dream. How weird would it be if I thought it was a great dream? My ex didn't want to help me in the dream - he still hated me. Then near the end he was helping me - we sort of banded together again. I miss him. Drugs and alcohol. They ruin everything. Ugh - that and being crazy. When am I going to be better? I am so fighting these character defects right now. I'm feeling really insecure and - awful. Meanwhile my ego is having a fucking field day. How is that possible? Look the only thing I can say is I never thought I would be able to stop drinking - never. I never thought I could stop smoking pot or being COMPLETELY filled with rage. Now I'm just - sad and lonely. Haha - wow - that made me laugh. Okay - I'm - just - in it I suppose. My point is I never thought I could stop being so self-destructive and now even though it doesn't feel like it's going to change I have to trust that I will stop being so hard on myself and my self-esteem is going to change. My negative thoughts, behaviors and actions will change. I will learn to love myself. Now I'm crying and then I started to laugh and now I feel sick. I would be happy with just some more peace for fuck's sake. I MISS that boyfriend. Okay I miss that boyfriend when he was great. When do I get to be happy, joyous and free? I am my own worst enemy. That Einstein quote that says we can't fix a problem by using the same thinking we used when we made the problem. What? Hold on. "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." He also has a bunch of quotes about the power and importance of imagination. "Once we accept our limits - we go beyond them." Is that where I am right now? I am such a gossip and I - I would rather complain and be a victim then actually change my life. I use excuses and blame. Ha and by ha I mean - Jesus. How awful. I don't want to accept these things. I want someone to save me. Would someone else loving me, helping me, making it all good for me - help - really? Me inside? I don't know. I don't know? I KNOW. I just don't WANT to know. I'm finally at the core of the wart. It's gross. I have to pop it. Grosser. I don't know what I have to do. Love? Try to love. Be kind. Try to be kind. Barf. So barf. Bye Bluebie.

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