Okay - here we go - a day off....

I slept okay - only slightly bizarre dreams. To be honest I think the last dream I had was the woman who is staying below me's dream. Well I went to the doctor yesterday and one of the things he told me was that (I think this is what he said) when you have a lot of energy - negative - you have THAT much more energy to use to propel yourself towards what you really want and a balanced life. He didn't say it like that but that is my interpretation. Here is the thing - all my anger and negative thoughts has not gotten what I've wanted. So. Well so so far today I have been thinking about how to use all my anger (which is already coming up) to get what I want. Stopping and changing the direction of the negative thoughts into positive ones. Her Lady Wonder said to stop fighting what I can't fight and use my energy to get what I want. Stop focusing on what I don't want and start focusing on what I do. This is all the same stuff. Changing my thoughts. It's so hard somehow. It's not like not taking a drink or even exercise or working work....but it's so constant and so - fighting against the grain. I feel like I'm taking a Tsunami and trying to change the direction of it. No - that's not it. Well - sort of. My default is to just - get angry, embarrassed and think negative thoughts. Also beat myself up and blah, blah. Okay - so there you go. Right now it reeks of cigarettes in my room and I'm just giving that energy to the place I do want. Oh something else happened.....I got home last night and Boris had some friends over and he and the landlord were all happy again. They even hugged in front of me (ew and barf) to prove it. Well I went upstairs, ate my food, walked the dog and by he time I went back upstairs the landlord was a little weird again - but for a FACT not because of me. Well I got back up here and I was like - okay - right - things are better tonight and I am not going to fight the cigarettes and I am going to revamp my efforts to move out of here. Seriously revamp. I also was like - this is going to change - they will fight and be weird again - it has nothing to do with me and so what? I still want to move. TOTALLY. So I wasn't like - oh everything is fine I will stay here forever - I don't even want to think about what it would take to move. Then when things get all weird again - beat myself up for thinking it could be better. I don't know if I am explaining myself well but it was a real switch of thinking for me as well as SEEING. Seeing the truth of the situation. The doctor said that their situation is wrought with the possibility of drama. He also said drama is a way of not taking responsibility. Huh. I am seeing that it is possible that I am not stuck here. I don't feel so well that being said. At this particular moment. It still smells like cigarettes in her but maybe it's my coffee. I feel tired like I want to lay down and I just got up and I have a lot to do. I have to work on my show for Sunday. I wrote some things down while out and about yesterday. I'm so nervous and scared and I feel so unprepared that I am just sitting on my energy. I feel like there is no way I can do this well so why bother. Yikes. Okay - well - that's not the right way to go about this. Okay - bye.