Holy fuck this is so fucking hard.

I am really back in it again. I'm not depressed but I am FEELING more if you can fucking imagine that. I'm not doing enough work is what it really is and I don't want to. I want to lie down and eat scrambled eggs. I did work today. I just - I don't know know how to write all that has happened over the last 5 days or so but I can say this. I am at another fork in the road and this one seems harder to decide which way to go. I know that sentence doesn't make any sense. i can't keep being so angry and I can't keep getting angry because I don't say no to people, put up boundaries or be easy on myself. I'm pretty sure watching 5 hours of Law and Order SVU is not being easy on myself. The smoke has been so bad in the house - holy fuck. The people below me - staying in the room right now - smoke all night long and smoke in the mornings. I hate living there so much. I feel like I am trying to be smoked out. It's crazy. I'm going to have to start sleeping with the window open. The crazy part is he must be smelling the smoke in his room also - how is he not saying anything. Or is it just Boris? Well anyway today I went and looked at places online and I'm going to keep doing that. I found another bill I need/want to pay back and this one - in order for me to be able to afford it - I need to pay it in one lump sum and lord knows how long that is going to take for me to save up for. Maybe not long. I'm so sleepy. I'm sending my cousin a card and a check for her twins. Or just for her and her husband. Holy cow it must be so expensive. I want to blame how sick I feel on the cigarette smoke. I also though - have my period and I didn't get enough sleep. God help me one day I am leaving that place - it's going to happen. There's no smoke right now!! I have another job to go to where there also is no smoke. okay - bye Blueberry. I'm scared - I'm scared I can't do this - be sober and ever be happier or get past my destructive ego. It's scary - so fucking scary. I just want relief and I want to not feel this way. Neither of those things can happen quickly. Bye.