Thursday, October 25, 2012

Releasing shame.

In my readings this morning it talked about being honest with what is happening in our lives, saying how we felt and what happened but not saying what we SHOULD have done because then we come from a place of shame.  Do you know my therapist always says that to me.  Should implies shame.  I never understood that until today.  I woke up a little bit late and I still prayed and meditated, took care of the dog and walked her and do you know the most amazing part??  I noticed that when I got in the shower the mice are eating the bathroom cabinet and as I was getting ready - THE EXTERMINATOR CAME!!!  I'm not even kidding.  If I wasn't running late I would have completely missed him.  Holy shit - those mice were having a fucking paaaarty all night last night.  It's only mice - I finally realized that - but plenty of them.  Okay - so what else?  I really worked on releasing the shame while I meditated on my way to work also.  Okay - right - here's the other thing.  I went shopping after work last night - Loft sent out this email saying all their full priced clothes were half off until 7 - I got there and it was a mad house.  I tried on a really cute skirt but it looked only okay - not AWESOME at all so I left.  Plus ladies were being insane - like psycho - I couldn't handle it.  Then I went into the Gap and okay - make a long, boring story short - I went to buy this 70 dollar dress that I thought was 30% off but when I got to the register it wasn't.  So I hemmed and hawed and the girl was like "Try to buy it online - it might be on sale online."  She took the dress and I just stood there and finally I left and then OBSESSED about this dress for 2 hours.  Maybe 3.  It was cute and I liked it but the ONLY reason I wanted it was for this job and I have clothes to wear here.  I would have needed new tights to go with it - maybe even shoes and it wasn't AWESOME - it was just cute and I really can't afford it.  I just wanted it.  But you know what?  I didn't buy it and today I am wearing a 400 dollar dress that she GAVE me from here with tights I already had from home.  I am clean, I look cute and creative and so WHAT?  No one is here anyway.  Here's the other thing - the dress was for an OFFICE and I don't work in an office and I don't work somewhere where I need to buy something I can only wear there.  I have had it in my mind that I have always sort of wanted a day job - where I get health insurance and I work 40 hours a week - blah, blah - normal.  Right?  Like a "normal" person.  Um - I think what I really mean is I want to PLAY a person who has that life - job.  I mean - it would have been so inauthentic for me to get that dress.  I didn't "love it, have to have it - more than anything."  I just wanted to be a different person than I am.  And it was a boring dress anyway.  If it was 10 dollars it would have been great - and fun!!  And who cares.  But 70?  Not only that but I am a creative person - so why don't I go ahead and let myself dress like a creative person??  I am really on fire right now with this blog - holy shit.  I'm going to go ahead and write in my journal.  I just keep thinking that there is a way things SHOULD be and there just isn't.  This outfit is a surprise this morning.  If I was wearing that dress it wouldn't be surprise and it would have been forced and wrong.  Maybe someday - after I pay my rent ON TIME - a 70 dollar dress isn't so crazy - but for now - no.  I want life to be filled with surprises - not planned boringness.  My shoulders are up by my ears.  I think I made my coffee stronger than usual.  Also one cute guy who I wrote to - wrote me back!!  That's fun right?  Plus that stupid dress wasn't THAT comfortable.  Here's the great part - at least I'm not obsessing over it anymore!!!  HAHA!!.  Holy fuck - time for some relaxation exercises.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBERS! 

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