Let's see......

I should be doing work - I'm at work but I really want to write.  The other girl left a box full of dresses for me to deal with - ugh.  It's okay - it will give me something to d and they are cute so we can make some sales hopefully.  Okay - so I got up and took care of myself again even though I woke up sad again.  This time I went right to praying & meditating - did NOT look on Facebook and I felt an actual shift while meditating.  Then the most amazing thing happened on the subway while I continued to meditate.....I felt compassion for myself.  I was reallly able to see how - incorrect my perception is and I was also able to really see how the ickiness - the rage - the negative thoughts - the THING that is inside my mind and heart - the THING that makes me lash out at other people and just be AWFUL - I was really able to see it as a sickness and how the real me isn't that.  I didn't have all those thoughts on the subway really and I don't think I am expressing it correctly at all.  But while I was on the subway my heart opened up to myself - I felt my heart grow and I felt compassion for myself.  You know like when the Grinch's heart grows?  It was like that - only less green and more beautiful - if that's possible.  I can really feel inside of me this tangle - there is something all tangled up with my being and it is not useful and - well - I just don't see how it can go away overnight.  It feels like what must have so been a part of my Grandmother.  She would get so mad - I don't feel like writing about it - I just know that for the first time in my life I can see this THING as something that isn't to be acted upon.  Thank God for this job.  I was so grateful to wake up and take a shower and put on pretty, clean clothes and come here.  I think I'm going to got to extra therapy for awhile.  Okay Blueberry - now if I can just let myself really work on my craft - really let it happen.  Follow the love.  Scary.  Bye.