Holy fucking day - My Heart Has No Self-Esteem..

Let's see if I can condense this into the beautiful story of survival that it is.  I woke up upset, sent a text I shouldn't have IMPULSIVELY, looked at Facebook when I should have been praying & meditating - cried, somehow still got myself showered and walked the dog and got to work EARLY.  I was filled with panic and anxiety - I wanted to send the guy MORE texts and I really wanted to drink - I was a MESS.  Then I proceeded to make phone calls - had an amazing discussion with the other girl at the store - my friend and learned some serious dating tips - THEN the most amazing thing of all - besides people answering their phone to talk to me AND calling me back was the discussion I had with my sponsor at the end of the day where I learned I HAVE NO SELF-ESTEEM.  I have probably written about this numerous times ON HERE but I just NEVER understood it before.  I just never really realized how much it is up to me how I feel about myself and how much hating myself is like picking up a drink.  This is what has always been under everything.  The amazing part was she said she had hated herself too until she made a conscious decision to change it.  But that's not what I thought was so interesting.  She said that she didn't know why she did - she just did and then she decided to change it once she really saw it about herself.  I just was blown away.  It's just like when I realized I was ALWAYS an alcoholic - no one made it happen to me - or not like that anyway.  Or it didn't even matter anyway - I was one - I am on - I need and want to take responsibility for that.  So now I realize I hate myself.  I hate myself - I have low self-esteem and I want other people to love me for me.  So I have and need and WANT to take responsibility for that.  All day today I couldn't feel my heart center - it was so scary.  Continuing to live like this was going to shrivel my heart faster than a pound of bacon a day.  So I went to my meeting and was blown away by the speakers and then went to class and it was wonderful and I kept crying and feeling my heart warm up more & more & more.  Then of course I felt like I was going to die.  Anyway - that's all.  Just a lot of crying at work - as usual but such beautiful support - so kind and loving.  I have to go to sleep.  Good night Blueberry Blog - I love you.  You are such a good listener.