Pile of Shit.

I feel like a pile of shit.  I just don't feel well.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  I think it's because I need alanon and what I don't understand or at least up until about an hour ago - I didn't understand WHY suddenly I'm so alanonic and fucked up.  I mean I just feel BAD and tired and I can't get anything done.  I was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:50.  I have no idea why this is writing in italics right now what the fuck.  I really don't.  Um okay well whatever I'm just going to keep writing.  Oh I guess I somehow hit the Italics button????  Okay now I'm flustered.  Anyway so I'm tired and I'm not getting any relief from AA meetings so tonight I am going to an alanon meeting because the other girl who works here asked me to switch my schedule for her - because of her baby blah, blah - husband - blah, blah - etc and I ALMOST HAVE LOST MY MIND OVER IT.  I'm offended she asked and I couldn't for the life of me say no even though my reason for saying no was because I just don't want to - it just feels wrong.  Not for certain days but for the day she asked.  I just reread the email and it is SO manipulative - which I get and I have been.  I don't know - I just feel crazy and out of control with money and I need another job - not to switch this job around more - you know??  I have been upset ALL DAY.  I had one thing I really needed to do here today and it took me all day to do it.  I'm sad I'm such a mess and when the holy mother fuck am I going to get my power back?  I just can't seem to get it.  That being said on Saturday I had the nicest day with the guy.  We went to the movies and made dinner - it was so great - he's so great - so kind and sweet to me.  Patient.  I'm going to call a sponsee.  I don't want to but I'm going to.  Not only am I alanonic I'm so self-centered right now it's unreal.  Or very, very real.  I wanted that to be funny but it's just pathetic.  Love you Bluebie - let's keep moving forward.  What?