Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I'm completely depressed
Fat, bloated, retaining water (so much so that my father asked my mother if my ankles were swollen) and I'm uncomfortable and sad. Single, I hate my job and I actually live in a crazy house. This doesn't seem better. It really doesn't. I need a shower an dit's 3:25 a.m. I woke up from a nightmare 4 hours ago. Vampires, the theater, and underwater swim chase with shadows - I got shot in the back of the head (I think - I definitley got shot at) and as I was laying there someone rubbed mud into my shot at head. Let's see - I also flew and was at an evil dinner party. Fighting, hiding - not a lot of rest. I hate my job and I don't have to go back till Thursday and it seems unbearable. I went to see my parents and the rest of the family yesterday and it was awful. Yes - I'm still living in New york - no I'm not on television - Ihave no idea why I'm here and I GET IT I'M A FAILURE. My Mother said - I don't think you really want to live in New York and be a waitress forever do you? YES!!!! YESS I WOULD LOVE THAT I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN!! I'm in a fucking program because I'm an ALCOHOLIC and I'm not supposed to move and I don't know what I'm doing. Thanks for the support - it's so fun watching all you guys drink while you judge me. I feel awful. This sucks. I know - change my attitude right? I feel like - I don't know - I don't want to say it. But what's the point? I have always been depressed and life has always been something I can not figure out. I don't get it. And I'm tired. I'm so tired and I can't walk right. My niece said I need a wheelchair. And she asked if I was having a baby. Then she asked if I get upset when someone asks me that. 30 more years of this? Really? I am fucking losing my shit - I really am. I'm not okay. Well anyway - I hope you are well and it's been so fun chatting.