Friday, June 18, 2010
Well this blows
seriously. I think that I want to be all Pollyanna about this whole thing but it sucks. I'm fat, I feel groos, I'm angry, sad, victimy, weepy, confused, forgetful - more angry, filled with hate and I talk shit about people all the time. It's awful and I'm crying as I write this. Holy shit I almost have a nervous breakdown everyday and now it's 5:32 in the morning and I am still awake. WIDE awake. I am a fucking mess. This is hard and honestly is it supposed to be fun recovering from any kind of major disease? Christ - it's like learning to walk agian - what the fuck - it hurts and I am in pain. And I'm still really out of it sometimes from the pot I think. I just watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for almost 5 hours. Why? Because it was on half slow motion - that's why - for the first 3 hours. I thought my computer wasn't reading the disc well. GREAT - duh. Anyway - I already worked so much this week and I haven't made any money. But I got to make some money? I have to say something - that's all there is to it - I just have to. And I have to look for another job. One where I'm PERFORMING for fuck's sake - I MISS IT SO MUCH!!!!! I miss writing - talking shit - working stuff out on stage - not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. Shit. I would be making the same money I am making now. Just more travel? I don't have to be a road comic. Ot travel so much. Okay - calm down. I want to punch someone in the face. Who? I don't know. And I have never done that in my life - I don't think I would like it and I'm sure it would hurt my hand. I need to sleep. 9 and a half months sober and I look 7 months pregnant. I feel - okay - I FEEL is really the point. SOOOOO MUUUUUUCHHHHH!!! It will change - it's going to adjust - it really will. I just have to make it to this year mark and I will feel better. I believe him - John - he told me that today and I believe him. Thank you for listening - I con't say I love you my intimacy issues are in full flare-up. I'm having and intimacy issue flare-up. So I like you or at least I am fond of you. Hi and Bye.