Later now......

I'm home and I just did the dishes after I made my lunch for tomorrow and made myself dinner.  I took the dog out also - poor thing....she's so blind - she's so blind and she shakes herself off and falls over sometimes.  She's still so sweet - bumps around in her darkness and eats happily.  I woke up to her eating this morning - crunching away - it made me so happy.  I made myself a veggie burger with red onion and avocado and a little bit of guacamole with scoops tostitos - yum.  Guacamole is the easiest, most delicious food on earth.  Fucking so good.  So I am weaning myself off of my regular diet to start the vegan diet.  Um - well at least it's helping me to pack my lunch and I'm using all my food in the fridge.  I toasted pumpkin seeds forever ago and so I have been using those in my salads.  Um - yeah - it feels great to bring food - just like grade school only I like what I've got in my lunch box.  What?  I feel so stupid - I guess - about getting so upset about my friend.  No - I do - because I think if I took better care of myself and - well - listen - I know this isn't always possible but if I just took care of myself better by saying right away I'm upset - you know - not let shit stew??  I don't know - I LOVE her - so much - it feels so uncomfortable to say something to someone when you know it might cause them - to also not feel comfortable.  That being said - that's life - right??  I mean if I want to use my Tupperware again after it's dirty - I have to WASH it - right?  So if I am upset - unless I am going to be a complete turd about it - I should say something.  Also she was joking - she told me AND I had said I was uncomfortable - so - there you go.  Are you following this?  Are you asleep?  I also went on an audition and that helped.  I'm so fucking tired right now.  I went to the audition and I walked there and that exercise did my body good.  I want to dance again.  New goal - or one of my same goals again - DANCE.  I want to dance and use my body.  There was an old lady walking in front of me in midtown - it was so crowded and I was looking at her butt.  She was cute - but her butt was kind of turned under and she had bow legs - total ghost of Christmas Future for me - for sure.  So I found myself thinking "I would really like to use and enjoy my body before it gets like that."  Which as far as I know - she IS using and enjoying her body.  MY mother certainly still is!  So I want to dance.  DANCE.  How - when?  Here's a great part of being broken up with that fuck face - I have time to come home and make myself lunches AND dinner AND do the dishes and it's healthy.  I'm not waiting up till 3 in the morning for him to come over and then go to McDonald's.  What?  Why did I even write that - just writing it made me feel bad.  Let's focus forward.  MY toilet is possessed - soooooo loud - it's the craziest thing!  It started in the wall and now it's in the toilet - just water going crazy in there.  It sort of sounds like - like - yeah - like the toilet is possessed.  Um - I am so tired.  Okay - bed time ritual and then sleep.  Long day tomorrow.  Long, boring day tomorrow.  Maybe it won't be.  I have stuff to work on and figure out.  Okay - I love you Blueberry - you are always the same as I go up and down....I love you bye.