Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Eyeballs.

People's eyeballs change when they are in the program and they are sober.  WOW - I wanted that to sound WAY more profound than that.  I went to a meeting tonight after a rather shitty day.  I didn't shower and I had taken an Epsom salt bath last night and I looked - well - totally unshowered and I got ready in like 5 minute so I was totally asleep all day - OUT of it.  Okay - so everyone WAS SO MEAN to me today or at leas that's how it felt - and they were crazy too.  Oh and I realized on the train I had an audition tonight - I was unshowered, not looking that cute AND I forgot my headshot & resume - whoops.  Okay - and there was crazy traffic to the audition - no buses, I tried to walk, finally got in a cab at 7th Ave where traffic COMPLETELY stopped and I had to get out and walk again.  SOOooooooooo - I was FLUSTERED for the audition.  The woman who saw us was nice and the man I auditioned with was a sweetheart.  So I go to this gay meeting because that's all there is and they said all were welcome so I went.  The speaker reminded me of this guy at work and when I went up to him afterwards he had the most beautiful eyes - the most lovely up close energy - amazing - sort of mind blowing really.  All from being sober and working hard for 20 years.  So I said thank you to him for speaking and he said I was funny when I was sharing (you know I talked about the guy moving in with his mother and how upset I was but how right it is).  Okay so he says to me this nice man with so much caring in his eyes he says "Why didn't you take a shower?"  IT WAS SO NICE.  I MEAN COME ON!  He had beautiful up close eyeball energy and he asked me such a basic, sweet question.  SHOWERING - it's so important.  I don't know I guess I can't put it into words how interesting that question was and how pertinent.  Life is so hard, being sober is hard but all of it - all of it is so much harder - having not showered.  I stayed for the whole meeting and I held hands and did the whole thing and I felt so much better afterwards.  I came home, cleaned up after the dog, walked her, took out the garbage, watered the plants, made some food, did dishes, took my vitamins, posted stupid pictures of myself on facebook, watched TV shows.  COME ON - that's amazing.  I'm so tired.  I have to work with my alanon sponsor in the morning and tomorrow is that long ass day.  I can say this also - when I don't take care of myself it's so much harder to deal with the crazies - for real.  This one woman today - holy cow - she was so crazy I was shaking.  I had to actually think to myself "Breathe, just breathe - detach with love - detach with love."  She was being so aggressive and flinging her arms around and I almost told her she had to calm down because she was freaking me out.  It has been my experience in the past that that NEVER works.  "PLEASE CALM DOWN YOU ARE FREAKING ME OUT."  Nope - not usually.  Okay - I love your Blueberry face.  Good night :)

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