Saturday, May 11, 2013
This blog is like the Diary of Anne Frank only I'm locked up in a closet inside my head.
Sorry - I know she wasn't in a closet and it was horrifying and scary for her. But it's horrifying and scary for me and I feel locked inside my head. They cancelled my extra work. Um - yeah. I actually decided to do extra work - which most actors refuse to do , went and got fitted and then they cancelled me. Um - what? It happens. Why am I so depressed - I am seriously losing steam here - I feel so toxic and unwell. Is this apartment poisoned? I feel so - okay - I'm sore, I'm just depressed. I thought this could be the answer to me leaving the comedy club. I got a check for the fitting for 29 dollars. At this rate not only am I not going to be famous - I won't be a working actor and I certainly won't be happy. I wanted to drink so badly tonight - this is so hard. A break-up, rejected from EXTRA work - what the fuck even IS that - fucking cunt from class embarrassing me about not having children - LIKE THAT'S THE ONLY THING A WOMAN SHOULD BE DOING - fuck you. Ugh and the comedy club - the thing is like falling down around us all - it's so pathetic. I can say that can't I? What am I doing? This is so fucking ridiculous. What would drinking do for me? Crying - I can do that already - plenty of access to tears. Throwing up - no thank you - I hate that so much. Um - well - that's all I can think of. Look - tomorrow is a new day. I can start over tomorrow. I don't have to drink right now - I'm home - I can start over tomorrow. Yes - oh big sigh. I'm not having any fun. No - no I'm not. Oh dear. I need to stop writing and just go to sleep - that's all. I made a little money tonight - I can pay my bills. I can pay my rent and I can pay my bills. I always wanted to be able to do that and I am. What? How fucking retarded does that sound? It's not though - I wanted to be responsible and I am. There you go - I am. Okay - good night - gooood night.