I can't stop thinking about what

my sponsor said yesterday about the guy.  She said that I knew he was a pothead and that I ignored it and still wanted him to be something that he couldn't be.  And I guess on some level that's selfish - right?  I mean - I'm mad at him for being juvenile but right away - before I slept with him - when he showed up for our first date high - reaaaally high - with his brand new laptop just in a backpack - no cover - nothing.....then just a short few days later he got completely WASTED and lost it in a cab.   Um - okay - really?  I am so shocked he was even as good as he was.  I don't know - yeah - I just completely ignored all that and was like - great - this is what I want - for you to be totally together and let's DO this.  What?  AM I making any sense?  I don't know.  I just really don't know.  I'm so confused.....at this moment.....in class the other night there was a new guy - so cute - sweet - turns out he's 22.  UM - WHAT?  Why am I so attracted to completely unavailable men?  Christ - he's not even a man.  I think he's gay though - I looked at his model pictures and besides looking completely huuuung (from his underwear model phooootoooosss) he looks completely gay.  So that's good.  What?  I need to get my feet on the ground - for real.  I do feel a little better today about the guy - I guess.  Okay - brain fog - total brain fog.  I was fine until someone smoked a cigarette out front and then my brain got all foggy.  Anyway - the boring saga continues.  I want to travel like my friend is doing - only for work.  I want to get work where I travel and I want to - be happy, joyous and free.  I also want a boyfriend and to have a lot of sex.  Um - I forgot what I was going to say.  Oh yeah - I think maybe the kids thing isn't for me.  I think I'm going to let that go.  I just want a fantastic amazing mind blowing boyfriend and I want my life to be beyond my wildest dreams and I want to feel free and like I'm doing what God put me here to do - using my gifts.  I could totally fall asleep right now.  Okay - bye Bluebie - I love you.