Okay - I think I really give up.

I mean - I don't give up on being sober but I can't chase this dream anymore.  I'm too old and it's too hard and it's not happening.  Okay - I just have to let it go.  It's just - that's it.  I mean I told myself I wouldn't stop unless I tried everything and that meant getting sober too.  I knew that unless I was sober I wasn't really going to be able to say I really tried everything.  I'm sober and not only has that not helped - it hasn't helped.  What?  Well I don't know - I'm not bearing any fruit.  What?  I need health insurance and a savings plan and some kind of life.  Okay - so - so I think that's it.  I mean - oh well - whatever right?  So I need to find something else I can do.  I just looked into substituting but that's over until September.  Then there is becoming a NYC Teaching Fellow.  Okay - okay - that's something.  What else?  I called again about the cigarette smoke and she said to call back Thursday.  My clothes smell like smoke - gross.  I should go stand on my head.  I'm going to do that.  I need to get upside down.  Okay.  Bye.  I guess whatever I do I just have to do it from a place of power.  Okay - first positive thought I have had all day.  WOW.  Good.  Okay.