Crying.

I just off the phone with my Mother - she wants me to come for my Father's birthday but I really don't want to.  My little sister is going to be there with her kids - I don't know - the poor dog and I just - I feel so embarrassed and sad.  I want to see my God baby but I don't know.  I can't handle it.  Couldn't there just be one good thing that I'm good at so I don't care what anyone thinks or feel like I contribute somehow?  Holy fuck I am feeling sorry for myself.  I stood on my head and I meditated.  My mother asked if it was time for me to just move back yet.  And do what?  I don't know - holy fucking depressingness.  Maybe I should go get some dark chocolate.  I just feel unloved - so raw.  Once again I feel like what is the fucking point?  I have an audition tomorrow night but I can't afford to go to White Plains.  I also have another one but it's at 6:00 and no one can cover me.  So.  Well to be honest I'm afraid to ask the owner but as far as I can tell the other 2 girls can't.  Okay - so big deal if I can't go to these auditions.  Okay I have to do something to make myself feel better.  I'm going to go get some chocolate.  I don't want to go outside.  Bye.