Monday, August 13, 2018

Whoa Nelly

That's what people used to say to their horses or at least in movies anyway.  I haven't been around very many people talking to horses so I don't ACTUALLY know but I THINK that's what people used to say to horses to get them to stop.  I am trying to get my mind to stop - actually I think it has a bit.....I will explain and boy is this going to be riveting.....you know what?  Maybe it will be - what the fuck do I know??  I am taking this medicine and each day I get a little bit crazier and it takes a little bit longer to get myself out of it - right?  Well so I just - this is the conclusion I have come to after doing step-work with my sponsor.  I got upset this weekend after my friend asked me to do something I didn't actually have the time to do and I started to get SO RESENTFUL and angry - so I did some step work around it and other people who effect me in a similar way.  Look this is probably boring and not that interesting but to me this is my life and for some reason it makes me feel better to write about it on a secret blog.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHY - but it does - SO.  So here's what happened today after I met with my wonderful sponsor........the conclusion I came to........is.........

I USED TO PICK UNAVAILABLE MEN - till I fucking said THAT'S IT and stopped doing it - drew a mother fucking LINE IN THE SAND to that shit.

NOW I PICK UNAVAILABLE CREATIVE PARTNERS......who aren't always unavailable but for the most part are not available - unless they are available - which isn't that NOT AVAILABLE???

I ALSO DO THIS WITH FRIENDS.

So anyway whatever I'm at some sort of bottom with this shit and I have a part in it and blah blah blah the medicine makes all of this way more magnified so it's hard to sift through and get on the other side of BUT - but I can I think and honestly until I fucking realize what I'm doing - how the fuck am I supposed to stop doing it?  AYE THERE'S THE RUB.  So whatever there you go.  I finally felt better after talking to my sponsor for almost 2 hours so that's good and I am so grateful she has the time! 

Holy shit - emotions and the mind are so fucking tricky when you're an alcoholic.  Fuuuuuuck.  I don't know - I don't really know what to do - I am going to stop taking the medicine - I can't have my life be like this - I don't have 6 hours in each day to unwind myself from wanting to kill everyone and I want to be happy.  This year of treatment has been so hard - I deserve to be happy.  So what else?  I just have to stop with these people.  I just need to let go.  I stopped with the guys and I can stop with these people too.  Also I love these people - I probably need to stop before I am throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  I have to go I am so sleepy.  It's raining which is so cozy and I am on the bed - my favorite place to be in the afternoon.  When I have the time I just love to get on this bed with the pillows propped up and I can see whatever is going outside of the windows...today it is rain and it is very comforting.  I find so much solace sitting on a made bed.  Go figure.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

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