Saturday, August 4, 2018

Nice To Myself.

Life has so many challenges right?  A few of mine right now.....staying alive that's one...what else....being authentic as an artist and a human being - that's another one.....being nice to myself - there we go - the hardest challenge of all.  I just am so hard wired to be mean to myself.  Or I was anyway.  I don't know - it's so crazy - the other day I was embarrassed because I was dorky in front of some guy who is cute right?  Seriously who cares even if he did know?  But I had to talk myself off the ledge you know and I did - I talked myself off the ledge and told myself I'm human and can be attracted to someone - I didn't do anything wrong and IN FACT it's thrilling that I find someone hot!  My juices (gross) are still flowing.  But mostly I just told myself it's fine I'm human it's okay.  THEN I FELT BETTER AND MY MIND WAS BLOWN BECAUSE I WAS SO NICE TO MYSELF.  That's how negative it is in my head.  Or was anyway.  Then - then came this part ready?  ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??

So yesterday I called my sponsor because that's what I am supposed to do as an alcoholic - stay connected to other people in the program, one of the people being my sponsor.  I can't see my alcoholism but she can.  Okay.  So I called her and we get to talking about my negative thinking and how I have to be vigilant about keeping it at bay.  So she asks me and she said she didn't need an answer and I didn't give her one but she asks me but says first.."You always seem so kind to everyone and I would like to know if you really mean it because if you aren't truly being kind to yourself you don't have anything to give away....you don't have it in you to actually be kind and that is not...."  I don't remember what else she said because my mind once again WAS BLOWN.  I mean why the fuck am I spending all my time being nice to everyone but NOT ME FIRST???  Also the answer to start with is that I am not so nice to everyone but also I don't know what I am trying to say.  I am patient I think with people - that is something I do but anyway that's not the point.  The point is that I can't give away what I don't have.  Wow.  Just fucking wow.  I don't know - something just shifted in my brain and also freed up.  Something inside me was freed.  That stupid sense of responsibility I have towards other people and their feelings was lessened.  Ugh how fucking great is that.  Just a little bit less.  Just a shift, just a thought change.  I hope I remember it. 

I am still taking that pill every night - the tomaxifen - I can't remember how to spell it but I am taking it.  I am going to keep taking it and looking into naturopathic oncologist in the meantime.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

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