Monday, March 3, 2014
The night before last night I had a drinking dream - 2 of them because I woke up after 1 of them. Whatever - I won't go into detail. Last night I dreamed my acting teacher took all of us to this Summer place - we were going to stay there and work for the Summer. He pulls the car up to the most brilliantly colorful lakeside - I can't say resort because it seemed remote. But not remote in a scary way - it was just unbelievable beautiful. The trees, the water, the sky - everything was bursting with color and I was so excited he brought us there. Then something happened and he said we had to leave - we weren't going to be able to stay there. I thought it was going to finally happen with us! Anyway - what the fuck is my point? I can't remember ever having such a colorful dream before - I mean I was blown away. Well - then I woke up thinking about this guy - but I smiled. Ha - whoa. Now I need to get ready and got o work a the store. This will be my 3 week of working 7 days a week. I'm getting my taxes done this week and I am not looking forward to that. But it will be what it will be and I will do whatever I need to do. I watched the Oscar's last night and I cried. I realized after it was over that I don't feel any differently than I did 18 years ago when I was watching them in college. I lived in this big house with a bunch of other kids but I had my own room. I was in there watching the Oscar's by myself and crying. I just loved it so much, show business, acting - and I still do - I still love all that shit so much - I can't help it. I don't even want to help it!! On a completely separate note - I have realized this past weekend how my resentments and anger don't serve me. Oh boy - I mean I can feel in my body how it doesn't serve me - how wasteful of my energy it is - how stopping of love it is. I want to say how it is covering up of fear - which I know intellectually is true but I can't feel that in my body yet. Maybe now that I wrote it down. Love you Bluebie bye.