Monday, March 3, 2014

Strange dreams.

The night before last night I had a drinking dream - 2 of them because I woke up after 1 of them.  Whatever - I won't go into detail.  Last night I dreamed my acting teacher took all of us to this Summer place - we were going to stay there and work for the Summer.  He pulls the car up to the most brilliantly colorful lakeside - I can't say resort because it seemed remote.  But not remote in a scary way - it was just unbelievable beautiful.  The trees, the water, the sky - everything was bursting with color and I was so excited he brought us there.  Then something happened and he said we had to leave - we weren't going to be able to stay there.  I thought it was going to finally happen with us!  Anyway - what the fuck is my point?  I can't remember ever having such a colorful dream before - I mean I was blown away.  Well - then I woke up thinking about this guy - but I smiled.  Ha - whoa.  Now I need to get ready and got o work a the store.  This will be my 3 week of working 7 days a week.  I'm getting my taxes done this week and I am not looking forward to that.  But it will be what it will be and I will do whatever I need to do.  I watched the Oscar's last night and I cried.  I realized after it was over that I don't feel any differently than I did 18 years ago when I was watching them in college.  I lived in this big house with a bunch of other kids but I had my own room.  I was in there watching the Oscar's by myself and crying.  I just loved it so much, show business, acting - and I still do - I still love all that shit so much - I can't help it.  I don't even want to help it!!  On a completely separate note - I have realized this past weekend how my resentments and anger don't serve me.  Oh boy - I mean I can feel in my body how it doesn't serve me - how wasteful of my energy it is - how stopping of love it is.  I want to say how it is covering up of fear - which I know intellectually is true but I can't feel that in my body yet.  Maybe now that I wrote it down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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