Just saw my dog walker.

He was really high and talked about his parents dying.  He didn't even say sorry about the dog - he just said "ohhh."  What was he supposed to say?  I just cleaned the bathroom and went for a really long walk in the park which helped a lot.  My old sponsor called and left a really sweet message.  I guess for every person who can't give there is someone who can.  I just miss that little dog in my life.  I woke up and prayed & meditated for a long time which is really hard with the cigarette smoke.  You know I really was able to remember this morning how hard it was for me to quit - how I couldn't quit for anyone.  It wasn't until I was dying.  I would wake up wheezing from the cigarettes - coughing - like an asthma attack.  It was really fucking scary.  It's a horrible addiction cigarettes - horrible.  Had me by the balls and clearly he as well.  I need to get some stuff from the store.  Holy fuck work was so bad last night - so slow - so - awful.  It is the weirdest thing - I am literally watching this old life of mine die around me.  No more crazy Bed & Breakfast, no more dog, no more working in the comedy clubs as a waitress (it hasn't happened yet but it will), no more crazy performance artist friends (I mean some are still my friends - dear friends but it's not my life anymore), no more drinking, no more drugs.  It's so fucking weird.  Also - also what?  What the fuck was I just going to say?  Sigh - I don't know.  I'm still broken hearted about the dog and I'm lonely.  I know - oh - I want to be able to travel now, see my family - live - be alive - have a life.  I'm sick of being and feeling poor.  I want abundance and joy.  Glory and - life.  I did imagine taking a shit on the stairs of the supers office.  There are cameras everywhere.  I think if I actually did that I would be so impressed with myself.  I would be in awe of my ability to do that.  HA.  WOW - I AM OKAY RIGHT??  I'm just going to radically accept where I am right now and hold on for the ride.  Keep taking care of myself.  That's it.  I'm going to see my cousin tomorrow - and her baby & husband and then I am going to go get a manicure & a pedicure.  More work tonight.  I wrote 3 jokes while I was in the park.  That's great right?  Okay bye Bluebie - love you.