Mother fuck myself.

What the - what.  I am broken hearted and I am so fucking tired.  I need to amaze myself now - that's all I can say - I need to amaze myself.  I need to amaze myself at what I can do.  I never ever ever EVER thought I could get sober - ever.  Ever.  I couldn't stop drinking even when I was throwing up on the floor.  I would just puke on the carpet and then drink more.  Not kidding.  Do you know how much I used to hump the radiator in my bedroom at that crazy bed and breakfast?  A LOT.  I would just get so high, drunk - all horny on cigarettes and hump the fuck away.  That sounds nice doesn't it?  Hmmm - so romantic.  I miss my sweet dog so much.  I got home from this long double and bawled my eyes out - I miss her and she really feels gone now.  Big sigh.  I don't know - I feel so gross.  What can I do to amaze myself - get myself in shape - free myself from this - chapter of my life?  The chapter where I'm a victim.  Isn't that so sad?  I'M A VICTIM.  I hate it - I hate this chapter or I hate the ending of this chapter.  I need to mother fucking save myself.  I'm doing that gosh darn fucking 21 day vegan diet right after I get done with my period this time.  I'm doing it.  I have to do something.  I didn't get a dog today - and there is this one cute one who keeps popping up and he's only 3 months old and soooooo cute.  I can't afford him and I'm not doing it.  No - no - it's too soon and I can't afford one now.  I haven't even paid my rent for this month yet.  Okay - right.  Amaze myself.  Okay.  Operation amaze myself.  Feel confident - ugh - I couldn't even finish typing that fucking pepp me up sentence.  Gross.  Okay - Bluebie - love you good night.