Fucking fuck.

I finally asked the girl if we could film at night for the days I want to work on the other project and she says "Oh we aren't shooting those days - I was going to tell you Saturday."  OH GREAT BECAUSE I REARRANGED MY WHOLE WORK SCHEDULE SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME % DAYS FROM NOW WHEN THINGS ARE REALLY HAPPENING.  Whoa.  So I got up today and hustled my ass around - doing laundry - fucking laundry, doing dishes, vacuuming, remaking the bed etc.  Then - then I go to work.  I didn't go to a meeting.  Then next thing I know I'm in a fight with the dishwasher - a fight I'm losing and lost by the way.  It was so dumb and I feel so juvenile - WHY AM I STILL WORKING THERE?  He's a dishwasher but we tip him out like he's a busboy but he REFUSES to actually take the glasses off the tables - we have to do it - put them in the glass racks and THEN he'll go wash them.  Um - this has always bothered me.  Why am I tipping out a dishwasher?  But guess what - I  tip him well and I even tip extra because that's what I do.  Um and the other girl tonight asked him to help bus tables and then he comes over and complains to me about it - I say "If you worked anywhere else you WOULD have to bus the tables - that's why we tip you out."  This didn't go over well nor did any of my trying to explain myself and he was like "Get away from me - you are only making me more angry."  Ha - well.  I said sorry before I left - he did not pick up one glass from one table and just gave me dirty looks all night long.  It was awesome.  I kept thinking "I don't have to be here - I don't have to do this with my time or my life."  But also - what am I doing not going to a meeting?  Why do I keep letting it slide?  I can't afford to do that - I HAVE to go to a meeting basically everyday.  Also - with this dog - come on - she falls over and then she can't get up sometimes.  Last night she was laying there and she whined - it was so heartbreaking.  I guess I have to put her to sleep but I - ugh - how can I do that?  It's so so so so so - I can't.  What is the most loving thing I can do?  What is the most loving thing I can do for her?  Is it to put her to sleep?  I don't know - I do know she's losing weight and she falls down and can't get up and that seems bad.  I'm not good at this.  WHO THE FUCK IS?  Jesus.  I think at this moment in my life I need MORE meetings - not less.  I need MORE acting and less waitressing.  I need MORE prayer and meditation and A LOT LESS TELLING PEOPLE WHAT I REALLY THINK.  That guy has never bussed one table - what made me think he would start NOW - 4 years later because my ass said something?  Yeesh.  I need to go to sleep.  Bye.