So much talk about fear lately....

and I'm thinking "What am I afraid of?" and just now as I was praying I realized that I am afraid to make other people feel.  In that truck I was driving yesterday I was afraid to really lose it or be really big or go crazy because I was in a car with 3 other fairly quiet men and I didn't want to make them uncomfortable.  I kept thinking (in the back of my mind) "I don't want to freak them out - oh - they will get so uncomfortable."  OH MY GOD THAT'S WHAT ACTING IS - MAKING PEOPLE FEEL.  Holy fuck - class last night was great - last class before summer - but it was - so hard - I wasn't very good and it was the same thing.  Sort of - well in both cases I hadn't done enough preparation - so.  So - so I don't know if I can do this.  I clamp down on myself so much all day long - I don't know if I can free myself and do the work I need to do in order to be free.  It is a generous service that actors so - and I don't know if I can do it.  It's also a workout - you have to be in amazing shape - you know - I don't know if I can work that hard.  To leave for the summer frustrated sucks - ugh.  It was also even harder coming home last night to no dog and holy fuck - waking up this morning was - fucking awful.  Thank God - I have that thing to film today and I'm going to say thank God I have the club to go to tonight.  Oh - oh dear.  I feel sick.  Anyway - okay - it's a beautiful day today.  I have some things to think about.  I wish I had more jobs coming up - I have to see how I cold make that happen. Maybe I should see how I don't make that happen - just let it happen if it's meant to?   Love you Bluebie - thanks for being here.  p.s. ugh.