I can not focus.

What in the world - who am I now?  What the fuck am I doing?  What do I have to contribute to the world??  I'm so confused.  The days are so much longer now and I feel so lost.  I just wake up so sick I miss her so much and I am literally doing the best I can.  I went and filmed more of that web series last night after work and then I went to a meeting at 10:00 at night - super weird meeting but I fucking did it because I do not want to drink.  The train ride home was so weird - sniffling lady(and she had on one of those shorts onsies and acted like she was a super model while she sniffled and rubbed her face - but she was NOT one) - the woman next to me was clutching a bag of McDonald's in her fist and staring straight ahead like a comatose victim for the WHOLE FUCKING local stops ride and it kept getting on my leg.  It didn't help that I was hungry and I love McDonald's - but I also hate it on my leg.  There was a weirdo hippie couple - young - oddly young looking red curly haired chick reading to her bushy, dirty bearded boyfriend in a fake British accent - SO ANNOYING.  It felt like they were on ecstasy.  She kept looking up and around all weird while she read to him.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I was reading but it was so hard not to take this all in.  Anyway I'm so confused - so lost - so without direction and I also feel like I have SO much to give.  UGH.  I decided my summer is for comedy.  I have to waitress tonight at the club and okay - let's have a good attitude - right?  How?  How do I do that?  Um - I don't know - I should go and do some work here - it's so quiet today.  Oh dear.  Hard times Bluebie - hard times but I'm here and that's okay.  It's really okay.