Wednesday, June 6, 2018

Tomorrow is my last day of radiation!

Big fucking sigh!  God what a shit show over here.  The guy and I are having problems - which of course makes sense right?  I got cancer.  What the fuck?  I GOT CANCER.  How fucking INSANE is that??  Anyway it's not just the cancer - it's the issues I/we had before we ever found out about the cancer.  I'm so alanonic and was saying yes when I really meant no - a lot.  Not in a compromising way but in a "Okay I will say yes and then I will be fully fucking enraged about it."  Only I HAD NO IDEA THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.  Fuck the fucking subconscious!!!  My therapist always says that it determines everything - only I think she calls it the unconscious.  I'm fully fucking confused right at this moment but it doesn't even matter - the point is that I was not conscious of this pattern.  So then my sponsor explained to me that if we are doing things that makes us angry and stuffing it down then the anger COMES OUT SIDEWAYS.  Which is exactly what has been happening the last month or so.  I come home and I'm okay.  Th guy comes home and every little thing he does drives me fucking nuts.  His breathing, his chewing, his sighing, the way HE CHANGES THE CHANNEL.  Everything we watch is recorded so he's not even changing the channel!!  I'm insane!!  It's so so sad and hurtful to him and UGH what a fucking shit show.  Meanwhile I am trying to heal.  I'm obsessed with food right now and trying to figure out what the fuck I can eat that will keep me healthy.  I think I have some sort of histamine intolerance problem which means I should cut out buts, seeds AVOCADO, spinach ugh IDK.  My head is spinning.  I have to say something makes me so inflamed all the time and that has got to stop.  I have cut way back on sugar and white flour so that is helping.  Also I haven't been eating dairy which is also helping.  I went to an allergist and he tested me for a whole bunch of stuff and I am allergic to nothing.  I'm about to do the Whole 30 diet again.  I did feel better after I did that diet except I found out I had cancer in the middle of it.  Well there is this.......I can only be healthier by eating as little sugar and processed foods as possible.  Stick with fresh food and homemade stuff.  I'm getting exhausted writing this.  The allergist doctor still has to give me one more test and that might help figure out some stuff.  I haven't done much comedy lately.  I'm not feeling well from radiation and I just - I don't know.  I wanted to focus on my health.  So I have been.  I'm just going to slowly move forward.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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