I want to be the pen of God. Just feel God come right out of my heart, through my arm and out the pen. I was going to say head. That's my big problem - my head. My heart feels like a frozen rock in my center. I am a little frazzled to say the least. I'm freaking out worried about my future and I feel - worried. I was all gung ho to apply to schools but something felt so wrong - so panicky - so the way I feel when I HAVE to have some item of clothing like it's going to complete me. I made myself this big meal yesterday when I got back here - I caramelized red onions, made refried beans and a sharp cheddar omelet. I ate it all and then fell asleep for almost 3 hours. Say what? I had this crazy dream about putting a severed head out in my old back yard - not like old where I grew up but old - like it was old - really ancient. I had forgotten it was there this back yard. I put the severed head in what looked like an outdoor fire pit that wasn't in use and next to it was a heart. As I walked away this head was looking at me - seemingly trying to tell me something. I thought it strange that there was a heart also because I didn't remember putting it there. I climbed up these reaaaaaly old stone steps with leaves all over them and twigs - steps that seemed unused you know? Then I went into my apartment and felt like I was trying to act like it wasn't completely wrong that I just left a severed head out back. My apartment had sliding glass doors and I could see my neighbor smoking. I believe that part of the dream was just someone smoking. So after freaking out when
I woke up and doing a little research I realized I'm thinking with my head and not my heart. My heart is so frozen. Ha - I'm not really laughing but I wrote that and that Madonna song came into my head. When I prayed this morning one of my daily reader books said one has no right to get in the way of the growth of another OR ourselves. Well - there you go. I just - okay - wow. The comedy club was so sad last night. I can work on my resume. I can do that and get myself another job. Right? I just want to write. A lot. Be the pen of God. The actress of God. Ew - that sounds so gay. Gross. I need to go for a walk. Okay - bye.