Saturday, August 12, 2017

Denial Lost.

Well I am finally not feeling well.  I mean I'm home sick on the couch.  I guess it all finally caught up with me and the reality of this has hit me and I'm not feeling well.  I don't know what happened yesterday but I took those kids to the pool and wasn't feeling that great - I have been so tired all week.  I know this sounds insane since I have the Circumstance and so of course I wouldn't feel well but just bear with me....I was so tired all week from not sleeping right because the guy's back was fucked up.  I just thought I was tired and overwhelmed - well it turns out I just ran myself down and by the time I dropped those kids off at tennis I did not feel good.  My throat had started to hurt and I was DONE.  Also I found out I didn't get the commercial - the one where they LOVED me and said I was A STAR.  Haha - no one even called me - I had to ask.  Ugh - I'm over it today but yesterday it just hurt my feelings and was disappointing.  Yuck I don't even like writing it - who gives a flying fuck but the point is I didn't feel good.  I came home and sat on the couch and watched New Girl and 30 Rock for 4 hours.  I drank shitloads of water and really took care of myself and I still woke up not feeling well so I stayed here and here I stay.  I prayed, meditated, took a detox bath, listened to an Alanon meeting, talked to a friend.  I also have been taking all of the stuff the Snake Doctor gave me which is probably another reason I'm sick - I think I am detoxing.  I can't even imagine that I would have more detoxing to do but I GUESS SO.  Oh I also cried - I cried A LOT.  How much fun am I right now?  MY head is clogged and I just feel flu like.  It sucks - that's all and it's supposed to suck and I am letting myself stay home and not feel good.  I'm over it.  I mean trying to push myself when I feel AWFUL.  No is a full length sentence.  That's not the saying.  No is a complete sentence?  I have no idea.  Just no - no I can't leave - I don't want to be stressed out - I feel disgusting no.  Who am I arguing with?  Myself I guess.  I had to take 2 Advil because my head is pounding.  My whole left side of my body is fucked up.  My tooth, the roof of my mouth, my left knee, my left breast - even my lower left back.  The feminine side.  I'm too tired to try and figure out what that means or what to do about it - I'm going to lay down.  Bye.

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