In My Own Way?

Is thinking I am worse than I am - being in my own way?  It must be....my guy says that my duplicity comes from thinking I am worse than I am...that it's dishonest because  I am not awful...I am good, talented and I work hard.  I have always worked hard.  Um except those 8 years where I was drinking, smoking pot and not doing anything.  EXCEPT FOR THEN - I have always worked hard.  Haha that made me laugh - OMG - WHATEVER - my point is that I am changing once again and it's confusing or something.  I don't know - this feels stupid.  I am just uncomfortable because I have stopped doing something (for now at least) that is no longer bringing me joy,  So I have space now for other things and it's uncomfortable.  It's just like anything else that's not good for us - we stop doing it and then we're like "WHAT EXACTLY DO I DO WITH ALL THIS TIME?? OH OKAY I CAN CLEAN OUT THE FRIDGE AND ORGANIZE UNDER THE BATHROOM SINK BUT ISN'T THAT SELFISH????"  Grooooss.  Yeah.  Just having a hard time letting myself just let unhealthy things go.  I'm also thinking constantly about my sponsor saying I need to desensitize myself from how uncomfortable I am around other uncomfortable people.  She says the degree to which I am bothered is unhealthy.  Okay she didn't use that word but that's what she meant.  Maybe she just meant it's not manageable - which it isn't.  God I was so uncomfortable when I left the kids house yesterday...the Dad was sad, or tired?  I don't know but it felt like he needed something emotionally which I completely rebuffed (just instinctually) but I don't even know if that's what was happening.  It's so uncomfortable feeling other people's feelings - and honestly just GROSS because I feel responsible even though now the better I take care of myself the less responsible I feel.  This is so self-absorbed - I KNOW.  There has got to be a way that I can be more useful in the world.  I will be - I know. Maybe I am with this family so I can learn slowly to desensitize from people's emotions.  Because they are very nice people and they are very good to me.  VERY.  The kids are good kids.  Yeah but I now get to heal myself from this stuff.  My codependent stuff.  I am already healing.  I can just let it happen.  Yeah.  Stay in today, just do today.  That's it.  One of the greatest tools of all these programs - just do it for today.  So there you go - just for today I am going to stay in me and my own body and just be responsible for what I am asked to be responsible for.  That's it.  Love your Blueberry Blog Face.