Wednesday, December 7, 2016
I'm a complete and utter disaster. I have been crying all day. I am out of money and I am so heart broken that I couldn't make the money he gave me last longer and that I didn't get anywhere in this 4 months. I spent 3.5 hours this morning trying to figure out about my health insurance. It was mortifying to say I'm not working. Then after all of that - I still don't know if I have it. I am so sad about my father also. The whole thing - the holidays - how are we going to buy the kids presents? they don't need anything but still. I just - I'm so fucking depressed. I haven't felt like this in years. I haven't left the house or gotten out of my pajamas. I didn't even open the blinds. I feel horrible. I'm - I just can't believe this. I just didn't think after 4 months he would say forget it - get a job this isn't working. It happens though right? I have seen stores open in the city and 3 months later they are gone. It's just heart breaking. I feel like such a pussy - oh wah my guy wont keep giving me money so I don't have to work. I know that's ridiculous - its not that. Its that I really started to get good and get some momentum. Its all that hard work for nothing or at least that's what I'm telling myself. I don't know - I don't feel good. I don't have to leave the house who cares. I applied for a job and I signed up for a babysitting service. I can work it's okay. I'm just so confused. I just don't want to talk to him either. It feels crazy. It's all me though I know it is. I have my period, it's the holidays, my father died and I'm out of money. I'm sitting up right now on the edge of the couch and honestly - it's exhausting. I'm not trying to book any shows or do anything. What's the point? Why am I thinking like this right now? I'm so filled with shame and humiliation - it's crazy. I am a complete and utter mess. Maybe I should just watch a movie. I never even made the bed. Okay - man. I am not a sign of any kind of hope. Maybe I have officially lost my mind. Is it just hormonal? I hope it's hormonal then it will change. Okay bye. ps I just read this and it seems I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Well I guess that feels right and now I'm going to lay down and think about it. Bye.