Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Disaster.

I'm a complete and utter disaster.  I have been crying all day.  I am out of money and I am so heart broken that I couldn't make the money he gave me last longer and that I didn't get anywhere in this 4 months.  I spent 3.5 hours this morning trying to figure out about my health insurance.  It was mortifying to say I'm not working.  Then after all of that - I still don't know if I have it.  I am so sad about my father also.  The whole thing - the holidays - how are we going to buy the kids presents?  they don't need anything but still.  I just - I'm so fucking depressed.  I haven't felt like this in years.  I haven't left the house or gotten out of my pajamas.  I didn't even open the blinds.  I feel horrible.  I'm - I just can't believe this.  I just didn't think after 4 months he would say forget it - get a job this isn't working.  It happens though right?  I have seen stores open in the city and 3 months later they are gone.  It's just heart breaking.  I feel like such a pussy - oh wah my guy wont keep giving me money so I don't have to work.  I know that's ridiculous - its not that.  Its that I really started to get good and get some momentum.  Its all that hard work for nothing or at least that's what I'm telling myself.  I don't know - I don't feel good.  I don't have to leave the house who cares.  I applied for a job and I signed up for a babysitting service.  I can work it's okay.  I'm just so confused.  I just don't want to talk to him either.  It feels crazy.  It's all me though I know it is.  I have my period, it's the holidays, my father died and I'm out of money.  I'm sitting up right now on the edge of the couch and honestly - it's exhausting.  I'm not trying to book any shows or do anything.  What's the point?  Why am I thinking like this right now?  I'm so filled with shame and humiliation - it's crazy.  I am a complete and utter mess.  Maybe I should just watch a movie.  I never even made the bed.  Okay - man.  I am not a sign of any kind of hope.  Maybe I have officially lost my mind.  Is it just hormonal?  I hope it's hormonal then it will change.  Okay bye. ps I just read this and it seems I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself.  Well I guess that feels right and now I'm going to lay down and think about it.  Bye.

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