Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Oh boy.

Well I'm a hot mess.  I woke up, prayed & meditated and cried while I was doing it.  I'm out of money and I feel like a loser.  I feel like everything is going to fall apart that I have worked so hard for these last 4 months.  Also - you know I didn't realize how resentful the guy was.  Is.  Im just sort of shell shocked.  I feel like I have to have a lot of faith and trust right now and I have t say - not my strong suit.  Freaking out and being miserable is my strong suit.  I did an audition yesterday - it took me 3 hours to do it - between getting ready, working on it and getting it on tape - right?  Guess what?  NO ONE HAS WATCHED IT.  Maybe that's not so crazy......but still - well if they don't watch it I can ask about it.  I just feel like maybe I should have gone to the live audition.  Well guess what?  It doesn't matter now.  I need to let go.  I am going to practice 3 things today.....letting go, being nice to myself and having faith.  It was excruciating to even write that.  EXCRUCIATING.  Jesus Christ.  I'm so in my head.  I'm just going to breathe.  All I can do is keep it in the day and do what I can do today.  I have to write something for our podcast right now.  Then I need to get ready.  Just keep doing the next right , kind thing for myself.  My stomach is bothering me like I have forgotten something.  I forgot to go back to bed.  I'm terrified.  I'm really fucking freaking out that I am going to have to go waitress again or something equally as soul sucking.  This probably isn't helpful.  I cant stand feeling this way but it will change.  It has to - things and feelings always do.  It's just a hard time.  I feel so far away from my mother.  She feels so far away.  Oh man I am a hot mess.  I am glad I am going into the city today - I do NOT need to sit here and think about myself anymore - good fucking LORD.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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