Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Pain Is Hard But Discomfort Is Excrutiating.

I forgot to say what a nice weekend I had with the guy.  We went to see my family.  I cooked and he played with my nephew.  Then my nephew got bored of him and we made brownies.  It was so sweet.  Beyond sweet.  So nice to see everyone - laugh.  Ah.  I miss my father so much.  I just can not fucking believe it still.  His coats are still hanging by the kitchen door - thank God - and they smell like him.  Isn't that amazing?  I mean he's gone but he's still there.  And we are all there.  So I guess he's not totally gone.  He always smelled like a farmer.  There were a few times growing up where he really smelled like sheep - A LOT - and I was like holy fuck pull it together man.  That's too much.  Anyway so it's sad.  It's uncomfortable.  We did out podcast last night and did the show.  It was great except the part where everyone was ripping on white people and I was the only white person.  Ha!  Whatever it was funny.  Well one girl wasn't funny.  She was at first but then her hate made her not funny.  It's sad and I do it too.  Whenever I talk about Cunty Buns on stage it's not funny because I still hate her.  You can't just hate - there has to be some love in it or the audience doesn't like it.  Well anyway so I was uncomfortable driving home and at the show.  It had nothing to do with the show - I was uncomfortable before I go there.  I can't stand being uncomfortable and that's life.  I feel like it's life in sobriety.  Normal people know how to be uncomfortable.  Alcoholics don't or at least that's how I see it.  I can't stand things too good, too bad, too off, too on - I can't take FEELINGS.  And discomfort is excruciating.  Being present is excruciating.  Well I'm uncomfortable today.  But it's sunny and I have things to do.  I got to pray and meditate.  I learned that mantra means mind instrument and it's helping my meditating so much.  Or it's helping anyway.  It blew my mind when I learned it.  Helped me to understand why there even IS a mantra in meditation.  Okay gotta go love you Bluebie bye.

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