Friday, December 2, 2016
PMS = (Chaos x Feelings) + Rage
OH MAN. I have had pms for what feels like 3 weeks and it is SO GREAT. I am having a blast! Last night my guy said he wanted to have a talk then confronted me about something and then WE HAD AN EPIC fight. Oh man - I don't think we have had fight like that since I moved in a year ago AND it was one year ago yesterday - or really a day or two ago that I moved in. That being said I love it here. I love him. I'm in deep! But holy shit - that was awful last night. I had an emotional hang over today. I was so overly sensitive and it just occurred to me tonight that being sensitive sometimes for me is a reflection of not feeling well. I'm always sensitive but it's worse when I don't feel well. He just thought I was fucking around with my career - that I had no direction or plan. It's all so complicated. I don't know. He was hurt and my feelings were hurt. I didn't realize he was feeling that way. I think he felt left out too - that always stinks. It's the worst to feel left out. Oh God - I swear this is what's hard about relationships. The communication and the taking care of it, ourselves and each other. It's so intense! Throw in issues, childhoods and pms - good fucking LORD - its amazing anyone gets out alive. I can tell you this dear blog - I am so fucking glad I have gone to therapy for all these years. That shit is helping me beyond. Okay now on to part 2 of this episode.....so tonight I went to pick up my dry cleaning right? When I dropped off my dry cleaning I realized that I used to take an acting class in this town - when I was still drinking and I used to go to the train station to get to the class. Tonight I parked and I saw the gazebo and realized I had rehearsed there with my scene partner. I loved that class! I loved the town mostly though. It is the cutest little town. I don't know - its just so weird - so full circle. It's the town right by mine and yes it is completely insane that I have lived here a year without realizing it was the same place. No - I knew it was the same place I think I thought it was a different area? I don't know - I just didn't connect the dots. I don't know. Anyway. I had a fun day of sifting through my emotions. I do love coming home to here though - so much. I love my guy. Blah blah - love you Bluebie byeee.