Friday, December 2, 2016

PMS = (Chaos x Feelings) + Rage

OH MAN.  I have had pms for what feels like 3 weeks and it is SO GREAT.  I am having a blast!  Last night my guy said he wanted to have a talk then confronted me about something and then WE HAD AN EPIC fight.  Oh man - I don't think we have had fight like that since I moved in a year ago AND it was one year ago yesterday - or really a day or two ago that I moved in.  That being said I love it here.  I love him.  I'm in deep!  But holy shit - that was awful last night.  I had an emotional hang over today.  I was so overly sensitive and it just occurred to me tonight that being sensitive sometimes for me is a reflection of not feeling well.  I'm always sensitive but it's worse when I don't feel well.  He just thought I was fucking around with my career - that I had no direction or plan.  It's all so complicated.  I don't know.  He was hurt and my feelings were hurt.  I didn't realize he was feeling that way.  I think he felt left out too - that always stinks.  It's the worst to feel left out.  Oh God - I swear this is what's hard about relationships.  The communication and the taking care of it, ourselves and each other.  It's so intense!  Throw in issues, childhoods and pms - good fucking LORD - its amazing anyone gets out alive.  I can tell you this dear blog - I am so fucking glad I have gone to therapy for all these years.  That shit is helping me beyond.  Okay now on to part 2 of this episode.....so tonight I went to pick up my dry cleaning right?  When I dropped off my dry cleaning I realized that I used to take an acting class in this town - when I was still drinking and I used to go to the train station to get to the class.  Tonight I parked and I saw the gazebo and realized I had rehearsed there with my scene partner.  I loved that class!  I loved the town mostly though.  It is the cutest little town.  I don't know - its just so weird - so full circle.  It's the town right by mine and yes it is completely insane that I have lived here a year without realizing it was the same place.  No - I knew it was the same place I think I thought it was a different area?  I don't know - I just didn't connect the dots.  I don't know.  Anyway.  I had a fun day of sifting through my emotions.  I do love coming home to here though - so much.  I love my guy.  Blah blah - love you Bluebie byeee.

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