Saturday, October 8, 2016
Do I have ADD?
Is it possible? Ugh I don't know. More to the point after a long day of suffering (it never fucking ends sometimes) I realized something. I worked on the 3rd step today with my new sponsor and I felt HORRIBLE afterwards (she was great). I then proceeded to keep plummeting until I finally went for a walk at 4:30 at which point during my walk I got a disappointing text from some one in "show business" - I mean seriously I can't even type that with a straight face but okay let's say "show business." This same person often disappoints me but because I feel like I carry more weight. Blah blah. AND - yesterday I worked on something instead of going for a walk (which as with today is sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better). Which was my choice. But it made me angry. Am I making sense? Basically I got annoyed from the text and then suddenly - SUDDENLY it occurred to me - FUCK IT. I have no fucking idea what I'm doing in this business - whatever I thought worked from the past - hasn't and I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE. Forget it. I said to myself and God (I KNOW I KNOW) "I don't know how to fucking do this. I pick out all the wrong people or seem to - I have no fucking clue what I am doing and I give the fuck up. You take - you do it. I'm not going to sit here and suffer anymore and obviously I have no clue what I am doing anyway." That's it. It's just like with men. Who gives a shit?? I can be perfectly happy without this and I'm sure I can find plenty to suffer about without trying to force myself into something that isn't working. And the reason why I am saying it isn't working is because I feel horrible. So something isn't right. And I just am not one of those people who can figure it out. So I am turning it the fuck OVER. I don't think I'm making any sense. I'm still going to try but I'm done killing myself and just pushing, pushing pushing to the point of not taking care of myself. It doesn't matter! I really saw today in that moment with the text and my reaction to it - that none of this will ever be any different. Good God please let me sleep tonight. I haven't been sleeping right. I'm over all of this. Life is too short! It really really is. Anyway Im going to waste some time right now figuring out if I have ADD. Love you Bluebie bye.