Saturday, October 29, 2016

Tired.

I'm lethargic.  I think.  I don't know what I am really.  Sad.  It's cold and I wasn't able to exercise as much this week and it's crazy how much that helps.  Well.  But - I have.  I'm trying to not beat myself up and I'm finding it almost impossible.  I'm so upset about a sponsee I have - my new sponsor has suggested STRONGLY that we now longer work together and it's so sad.  Another ending?  Another big change?  It seems like to much.  That being said I think she's right and I do think it's effecting my sobriety - the relationship.  Or something is.  My drinking and drugging dreams are out of control.  In the dreams I'm not even trying to not do drugs and drink, I'm just full on doing it and full on being a mess.  It's horrible.  I think this sponsee has been drinking or something.  I've smelled things on her breath.  It's so sad.  This whole year has been so much change and right now today it feels exhausting.  You know - I just had a conversation with my sister and she asked me if I feel responsible and I said yes.  That's too much.  Not her asking - me feeling that way.  This is going to be okay - I can talk to this woman, and take care of myself.  That is what my mind is saying but the other part of me is flipping the fuck out.  I am so scared.  I feel like this is just so awful.  Am I confused?  Maybe I should meditate right now - I didn't have a chance this morning.  You know - I think I am going to do that.  What kind of relationship am I having with someone if I cant even talk to them?  One that isn't working for me.  I'm so afraid and I can't fucking stand it.  It's now okay.  This feels old.  Way back.  Fine.  Okay I'm going to meditate.  Thank you for listening.  Man - who the fuck has time for this?  It will be okay.  Everything will be okay.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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