Shit Sandwich.

Well - holy fuck.  Trump is President and I only left the house today to go to Wendy's.  I just couldn't take anything that's all.  I haven't gone to a meeting in 3 days now either.  Oh I have to call my alanon sponsor in the morning.  I'm a mess.  I'm burnt out and tired.  Plus my guy is so stressed out about money.  Or he is and then he isn't and then he really is.  It's so fucking stressful.  I just feel gross.  I guess sometimes I just don't want to leave the fucking house and that's okay.  I exercised - jogged on the treadmill, did some yoga.  I watched 5 episodes of Friends.  Ugh - I don't know.  I got up early yesterday morning and drove into the city and voted for Hillary.  I wanted to be part of that History in the making.  Now it just feels horrible.  Who knows - maybe he will somehow become a magical President.  I'm so tired.  I went to sleep so late last night and kept waking up every hour.  I'm not sure how this is all going to work out.  I mean listen (I'm not talking about the election anymore) I'm going to have to go back to work in a couple of months.  And honestly - well - I don't know - it's so EXHAUSTING working and never getting paid.  I just put out and never get back.  I don't think I can even take the class anymore.  I feel such pressure from the guy - he's like - UGH - why am I writing about this?  Forget it - this is a sad day and I already have PMS and I'm not feeling good.  It's been rough year.  This is the thing.  I'm tired.  I'm old.  I don't have the same energy anymore - at all.  I really, really really don't know if I'm going in the right direction or doing the right thing.  I like being at home.  I like being creative.  I missed my calling as a housewife.  Well - well so what if I have missed my calling.  I can still be happy.  I can still contribute to the world.  I just need so much time alone sometimes.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm sad and tired.  I am super grateful though that politics do not come into play as far as the program goes.  What a relief.  My father would have been so happy Trump won.  He really would have.  I said that to my mother and she burst out laughing and then said "Well I didn't vote for him!"  I DONT KNOW WHO DID!!!  Who the fuck are those people?  DO I KNOW any of them?  What the fuck?  I have a show tomorrow night and man do I not want to go.  All of this is reminding me of 9/11.  I did a show after 9/11 and there were all these fire fighters in the back - all dressed in their gear.  I bombed.  I bombed so fucking hard.  I was so sad, so in shock.  I was frozen.  I just didn't know how to ever be funny again.  Then Kurt Metzger got up and killed.  I never felt like I could ever get my comedy back after that and it was 15 fucking years ago.  What am I doing?  But as I write that it feels self-destructive.  It feels bad.  It feels like I am cutting myself asking that.  I'm trying to do what I love.  Maybe it's time to change it into something else and that's fine.  You know what else?  It's fine if I'm lost.  You know what has happened along the way of me being lost?  I've become an awesome actress and I realized I'm great on the radio.  Those are wonderful things.  Also I'm sober and I don't hump radiators by myself anymore while I'm wasted out of my mind.  Growth.  Love you Bluebie bye.