Monday, November 21, 2016

Okay It's Winter.

2 days ago it was 60 degrees and sunny - now it's overcast and 35 degrees and I want to go to bed for 5 months.  I can't focus.  Okay but OKAY.  Here's what I am doing though.  I am being NICE to myself.  I can only do a little bit at a time.  I can only do what I can do.  I wake up and I take care of myself.  I am present in my life and being creative.  There we go.  Alright.  I started to write a bunch of shit that wasn't nice about myself and then I DELETED IT.  What's the fucking point?  I've had a lifetime of beating myself up - I'm over it.  OKAY.  So here's what I learned in the land of recovery this week.  That it's no one's fault.  Ugh I don't even feel like getting into what I even mean.  Holy shit I'm tired.  This is what I mean.  I have these wounds right - let's say from childhood or wherever right?  Well - it doesn't matter who caused them or why because now I am left with them.  SO HOW AM I GOING TO HEAL?  Why am I yelling?  Ugh - this is what I am trying to say...Okay maybe it does matter who and why and all that but ultimately - I'm the one left with the healing and I need to heal.  You know what I just realized?  I might be getting this all wrong.  No - no I don't think so.  Recovery comes from responsibility right?  So I am responsible for my stuff and my feelings and my wounds.  Good Lord.  So.  SO THAT SUCKS HUH!?  Haha - I'm just kidding I think.  Anyway - that kind of blew my mind this week.  I mean I knew already that it's ridiculous to be an asshole to someone on the subway and blame it on my first grade teacher.  But still - to fully take responsibility for my feelings, to no longer be a victim because I am the one responsible for this stuff now.  Wow - mind blowing.  I have no idea why I am writing this.  Do I say that ALL THE TIME?  I need to take a hot shower and by some cake pans.  Loooove you Bleubie byeee!

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