Monday, November 21, 2016
Okay It's Winter.
2 days ago it was 60 degrees and sunny - now it's overcast and 35 degrees and I want to go to bed for 5 months. I can't focus. Okay but OKAY. Here's what I am doing though. I am being NICE to myself. I can only do a little bit at a time. I can only do what I can do. I wake up and I take care of myself. I am present in my life and being creative. There we go. Alright. I started to write a bunch of shit that wasn't nice about myself and then I DELETED IT. What's the fucking point? I've had a lifetime of beating myself up - I'm over it. OKAY. So here's what I learned in the land of recovery this week. That it's no one's fault. Ugh I don't even feel like getting into what I even mean. Holy shit I'm tired. This is what I mean. I have these wounds right - let's say from childhood or wherever right? Well - it doesn't matter who caused them or why because now I am left with them. SO HOW AM I GOING TO HEAL? Why am I yelling? Ugh - this is what I am trying to say...Okay maybe it does matter who and why and all that but ultimately - I'm the one left with the healing and I need to heal. You know what I just realized? I might be getting this all wrong. No - no I don't think so. Recovery comes from responsibility right? So I am responsible for my stuff and my feelings and my wounds. Good Lord. So. SO THAT SUCKS HUH!? Haha - I'm just kidding I think. Anyway - that kind of blew my mind this week. I mean I knew already that it's ridiculous to be an asshole to someone on the subway and blame it on my first grade teacher. But still - to fully take responsibility for my feelings, to no longer be a victim because I am the one responsible for this stuff now. Wow - mind blowing. I have no idea why I am writing this. Do I say that ALL THE TIME? I need to take a hot shower and by some cake pans. Loooove you Bleubie byeee!